Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it- Proverbs 4:23. God, this must be the lesson You have been trying to teach me for years, and yet I continue to fail over and over and over again. I get swayed into the ways of the world, my feelings, wants, desires, and control and I don't listen to what You say is best. I convince myself that everything will work out because I will MAKE it work out. But when I find out it doesn't work out how I wanted it to, I go crying to You wondering why.
Why do I let my heart be tossed around when it is the most precious thing You have given to me, to protect, respect, and save for the man that you have for me? Instead of waiting for You with a patient heart and clear answer, I get allured into what seems like a perfect romance or true love just by the words a man says and the initial pursuit that he invests. I convince myself that it is Your plan and that because of the way his eyes seemed so steadfast and true as he gazed into mine with such diligence and awe that that must mean he is the one. But how could I have believed this was true? I have been here before, Lord, I have been down this path a few times, but with each time I am convinced it is going to be the real thing.
Before long, the excitement, interest, and romance dwindles down, the gazing stops becoming too weird or cheesy, the sweet gestures become "unnecessary" because "We're passed that stage of the relationship," a stomp on the heart to mean "I only did those things at the beginning to get you to fall in love with me but now I don't need to maintain the relationship in order to show you my love anymore." That's like planting a flower seed and saying "Well, I planted the seed, so I don't need to water it or give it sunlight in order for it to grow into a flower. Since I planted it, it will grow on it's own." The relationship becomes just a routine like getting up and going to work in the morning. You stop doing special things for each other because you "don't have to" but the thing is, you DO have to! The little things are what keep the love, spark, and passion going! (Sorry, I'm getting off on a tangent, but check out my previous blog called "Choose To Put On Your Gear")
I'm sure many women know what I'm talking about (I'm not meaning to blame men, but this blog is mostly geared towards my ladies out there). After some time in a relationship, (Well, I guess in most cases it doesn't actually happen until marriage) you don't feel so special anymore. It seems like he doesn't make as much effort as he did at first. You start to feel like a chore, and the more you bring it up, the more he withdrawals and becomes more distant. You ultimately feel like you could just disappear and he wouldn't even notice. On his end, the stress leads to him thinking about someone new, someone he thinks is more attractive, a new interest, someone that in his mind would be perfect for him. If he were with her, everything would be rainbows and sunshine, she wouldn't ever get mad, she wouldn't ever bring up concerns, or express her true feelings. She would just be there for him. This would be temptation for emotional cheating or even physical cheating and most likely become an affair, leading to divorce or breakup.
I view this to be the reason so many relationships and marriages fail. I'm not a psychologist, pastor, marriage counselor, or have any credentials for that matter, nor am I married (not even close haha) so I understand if you don't think I know anything or should be speaking about this at all. However, I want you to remember my blog entries are just my thoughts, feelings, and what I feel God speaking to me through experiences, books I read, intuition, and observing others. And I know that maybe not all cases are this extreme or happen that fast, but based on what I've seen and heard, I think this is quite a common situation. I recently read the book, Wild At Heart by John Eldredge (-ironic that this is the name of my blog, but I actually named it before I knew about the book!) and it reveals literally everything about a man's soul and who God created him to be-the adventure that he craves for, the wounds that he bears, the battles to fight, the desire to rescue a beauty, his fears, and fighting the enemy. As I read this book, the pieces began to come together about men (whaddaya know) and why they act the way they do. It forced me to look at my past romantic relationships and see them in a new perspective which then helped me to learn even more from them.
The following is an entry from the book:
"A young man whom I admire is wrestling between the woman he is dating and the one he knew but could not capture years ago. Rachel, the woman he is currently dating, is asking a lot of him; truth be told, he feels in way over his head. Julie, the woman he did not pursue, seems more idyllic; in his imagination she would be the perfect mate. Life with Rachel is tumultuous; life with Julie seems calm and tranquil. 'You want the Bahamas,' I said. 'Rachel is the North Atlantic. Which one requires a true man?'"
It just seems like this happens so often in today's culture, that once we start to become unsatisfied, we jump to the next person. It breaks my heart. I feel for the dedicated, committed, Godly women who have gone through this, but ladies I feel confident in saying that it's not you, it's most likely him. It may not be anything you did; it's not even that another woman is better than you, more worth it that you are, or even better for him than you are. If you read the book, it will make more sense to you but every man needs time. He needs time to find out who he is, what his purpose in life is. He needs time to go out into the world and explore and climb mountains out in the wilderness. "A man needs to feel the rhythms of the earth; he needs to have in hand something real- the tiller of a boat, a set of rains, the roughness of rope, or simply a shovel," (Eldredge). He needs to test his limits, find out what makes him come alive. He needs to face some dangers and challenges to learn how to become a warrior. And here's what's amazing, men have the desire to fight the battle for us and to be our rescuer :). Many people think it's just in the Disney fairy-tale movies that this happens, but what blows my mind is, God DID create it to be this way for men and women!
"A man must know he is powerful; he must know he has what it takes. A woman must know that she is beautiful; she must know she is worth fighting for."
But the key is this. Men need to find their identity and worth and learn how to be a real man BEFORE rescuing his woman. Nowadays, even though a woman can have the best of intentions, it seems to be that we are becoming more and more impatient, anxious, and lonely that we've just decided to "take matters into our own hands" and chase the man (I'm guilty of this too....) when in reality, HE'S NOT READY. And when doing this, it actually encourages men to look to us for validation and his own masculinity when really, he should be looking to God, his father, male mentors, and his own adventures. He needs to work on wounds of his past, not depend on women to fix it.
"If you take your question to Eve, it will break your heart, I know this now, after many, many hard years. You can't get your answer there. In fact, you can't get your answer from any of the things men chase after to find their sense of self. There is only one source for the answer to your question. And so no matter where you've taken your question, you've got to take it back. You have to walk away. That is the beginning of your journey," (Eldredge).
I used to get upset about a guy breaking up with a girl, or even me (I'll be honest, yeah it still hurts and there are times where I feel upset about it) but ultimately, I understand why. And not to say that it's okay for a man to break up with a girl in a cruel way or with harsh words, I just think us women need to shift our focus on being patient, humble, beautiful (inside and out), joyful in all circumstances, and seeking God for our romantic desires. We need to be looking to God to show us our worth, to romance us, take us on His own journey where He will be the first One to answer our heart's deepest questions......Am I lovely?.....Will you choose me?...Will you pursue me?....Do you delight in me?...Will you fight for me?...
God can answer those questions for us, but a man cannot answer those questions until.....
"And let me tell you, a hesitant man is the last thing in the world a woman needs. She needs a lover and a warrior, not a really nice guy," (Eldredge).
But in order for a man to be her lover and warrior....
"The masculine journey takes a man away from the woman so that he might return to her. He goes to find his strength; he returns to offer it. He tears down the walls of the tower that has held her with
his words and with his actions. He speaks to her heart's deepest question in a thousand ways. Yes, you are lovely. Yes, there is one who will fight for you. But because most men have not yet fought the battle, most women are still in the tower," (Eldredge).
Our men have battles they need to fight, and I will choose to wait for the man that is on fire for God, solid in Christ, dedicated, committed, and ready to fight for me every day. Ladies, I challenge you to wait with me and seek our God above. Do this especially if you don't know what true love looks like. Maybe your father ran out on you when you were just a kid, maybe he was abusive, or distant or maybe you just aren't that close to him. I believe God will show you how you deserve to be loved by a man, but not only that but also how to become the woman He created you to be.
Eldredge, John. Wild At Heart: Discovering the Passionate Soul of a Man. Nashville, TN: T. Nelson, 2001. Print.
Note: Besides Wild At Heart, I also recommend Captivating by Stasi and John Eldredge (It's like the woman version of Wild At Heart)
Uplifting Bible Verses:
Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.- Psalm 37:4
But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.-Matthew 6:33
Be still before the Lord, and wait patiently for Him. Do not fret when people succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes.-Psalm 37:7
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.- Proverbs 3:5
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