SIMBA

My heart is crushing as I write this with you sitting on my lap. Little do you know, you have a nasty fatal virus that just started out as simple that, a virus but turned into something else much much worse. You have no idea what is happening to you, and so you just snuggle with me like every other day this past month. When you were brought into the clinic, I noticed you in your kennel during one of my nightly cleaning routines. I wanted to hold you so bad but wasn't sure if I was allowed to. The next day Anna took you out of your kennel to hold you and I instantly fell in love with you. I asked Dr. Smyka if I could take you upstairs to love on you because that's what you desperately needed. She agreed that that would be a great idea. I took you upstairs and set you on the ground. You were such a timid and frightened little furball that you immediately seeked shelter behind my futon, in my tv stand, under the table, in the closet, under my nightstand, behind my bookcase and you loved to sit right in the middle of the floor underneath my bed so I couldn't reach you. You found all your little hiding places and loved to have me searching for you! For the next few days I took you upstairs after my cleaning to show you that you were safe and loved. By the second or third day, you began to feel comfortable enough to play with your toys, but yet still on your guard and ready to bolt to one of your safe hiding places. I had told myself that I would not have a pet until after I graduated from college but I just couldn't resist you. As I looked down at you cradled in my arms, you looked into my eyes, reached your paw up and touched my cheek and at that moment, I knew I had to keep you, no matter what promises I made to myself. I named you Simba because you reminded me of Simba in the Lion King, just a little kitten that would display great courage, bravery, and strength.

I brought all your things from downstairs, and got you all settled into your new home. What better place to be than to be living at a vet clinic surrounded by those who have such love, passion, and committment to keeping animals like you healthy, safe, and loved. As time went on, you started to open yourself up more and more to me, trusting me, playing with me, and cuddling. I got you your first toy, the blue bird fly toy that you just loved. I was so excited to buy food, toys, and supplies for you. I thought so hard about what to buy and wanted to make sure I created the perfect kitten environment for you to learn, play, grow, and develop. I wanted to give you every opportunity a kitten could have. I briefly remembered that I was allergic to cats but that worry quickly dissolved as I decided I would deal with it because you having a home was way more important. I remember the first night I had you overnight, I looked forward to cuddling you the whole night through just like a stuffed animal, but what I didn't realize was that nightime was when you just wanted to play! You would step all over my face and head, even trying to eat my hair. You would knead my neck and lick my eyelids. It was so hard for me to get to sleep with you doing that, so I had decided to make you sleep in the living room. I made you do that for a few days. If I knew you were sick, I would've let you eat my hair, step on my face and lick my eyelids as much as you wanted.

Before I knew you were sick, I decided to give it another shot to sleep with you, and I was actually able to fall asleep. I even remember slightly waking up and seeing your little body curled up in perfect peace right next to me. It was like one of those little hugs from God, that just reminds you that everything will be alright. But I shouldn't say "was" because you're still here. Despite how sick you feel, you still purr and you still step all over me and still wanna be close to me. The virus has made you so tired, weak, and bloated over the past few days, but today it brought so much joy to my heart to see you more active, chasing your bag of treats, climbing all over the chair and your little bed that we set up right next to the big window. The sun was so bright shining down on you, King Simba as you sat tall on your throne.

I knew something wasn't right when a few weeks ago, your belly started to look bloated. I hoped it was just because you were a growing little kitten, or maybe you just had eaten too much that time. However, your belly was continually bloated, and it really got me concerned. You weren't eating much and you weren't pooping. I prayed you were just constipated. I carried you downstairs so Dr. Smyka could look at you. She carefully examined you, listened to your little heart and lungs, and felt your belly. She said your heart and lungs were okay but that you had fluid in your belly. She asked if she could do an ultrasound and I agreed. Alice helped hold you as Dr. Smyka gently shaved your little pot belly. The ultrasound gel startled you because of the coldness but you were such a good boy. You meowed once and sound actually came out unlike your normal meows where it's just you opening your mouth. I knew you had it in you. :) My heart sunk when Dr. Smyka said things didn't look good. She asked me if it was okay to draw some of the fluid out of your belly so they could test it and see what it was. Of course I wanted to know what it was so I said yes. When she poked you with the needle, you didn't even flinch, such a strong little guy. They passed you to me when they were done and you scrambled up my chest gripping so tightly onto me that your claws dug into my shoulder. I didn't care. I had already gotten used to your daily attempts at jumping onto me when I wasn't looking, leaving all kinds of scratches on my skin!

I brought you back upstairs while they looked at the fluid sample. I prayed to God that it would be something treatable. I didn't even consider it being something too serious where nothing could be done. After a few minutes, I wrapped you back up with the white towel and cradled you as I took you back downstairs to receive the news on the diagnosis. I reached the bottom of the stairs when Dr. Smyka asked to talk to me in her office. I felt weak at that moment as I held you closer to me. We sat down and she explained that you have a virus called FIP (Feline Infectious Peritonitis). She said the cause is from a mutation of the coronavirus and that it's untreatable, un-treat-able......how I hate that word. She said you would decline from here on out and eventually need to be put down. She didn't sugarcoat it, but instead gave me the flat out truth, which I suppose doctors are supposed to do. She apologized to me and I saw her eyes start to fill up as she managed to stay steady, calm and collected. I can't imagine being in her position having to break news like this to clients. My heart dropped and broke into pieces as my eyes welled up with tears, looking down at your little furry head and ears sticking out of the towel. How could something so nasty happen to such a sweet, innocent, good animal? I guess it's the same question as to why the good die young. It's a part of life, but it still hurts like nothing else.

She told me the best thing to do is to spoil the heck out of you (which I've been having fun with :), to feed you whatever you want, to make you comfortable, and just love on you. She also gave me some medicine to try and boost your energy levels and some different kinds of foods for you to try. I'm so proud of you for still trying to eat and drink, even if just a little. She told me you are so so lucky to have found me. I had never had many animals before, not a cat or kitten specifically, so I didn't know whether I was giving you enough of what you needed, but it brought me comfort when she said that. I just hope that I gave you more than what a lot of cats get in a whole lifetime. You are so precious to me. I will not say you are just an animal because the truth is I am an animal too, and who's to say I am more intelligent or better than you. I cannot say, "Oh, it's just a cat." You are a living creature, created by God and anything that dies is a loss in the world. I have learned so much from you in so little time. I have learned how to have such a fathomless passion for something. I used to not like cats at all, but Simba, you changed my entire perspective on cats. They are such serene, intuitive, royal, mysterious creatures. I feel like there is a whole world within the realm of cats (small domestic and large wild) that we as humans just can't understand.

Simba, I will miss the way I'd come home from work and either find you curled up on my bed like you'd been waiting for me the whole day, or have to search all your hiding places. I will miss the way you'd follow me around to watch every little thing I was doing. I will miss the way I'd say your name and you'd meow but no sound would come out. I always thought you meowed because you knew your name but then once I said "Janna" and "Accalia" and you meowed, I realized you just liked to respond to me anyways. I will miss your somersaults and playfullness. I will miss sitting on the tall chair and you jumping up and scratching up my legs. I will miss you waiting to come into my bedroom at night until you heard me turn the fan on and you'd just automatically hop onto my bed and start your routine of climbing all over my face. I will miss waking up in the middle of the night to you kneading the back of my neck and playing with my hair. I will miss you kneading my back-it felt like a real massage and I had always thought it would be cool to have a personal masseuse. I will miss you tumbling around in my laundry after I'd dump it on the floor. I will miss you going crazy over that one bag of treats that you like. I will miss you trying to cuddle with me while I'm on the toilet and that time when you jumped onto my back while I was brushing my teeth. It was like you were checking to make sure I was doing it correctly or to see if I was going to floss. I will always remember the time that I was late for work and accidently left the door open and later found you hiding in the furnace room. How you scared me so much! I will also remember how I trimmed your nails and you were so good about it!

Most of all, I will miss your hazel eyes, and how you'd gaze right into mine like you could see right through the depths of my soul. You will always hold a special place in my heart that no other pet could replace, and as silly as it may sound to humans, I pray that animals go to heaven too, so I can see you again one day. You aren't gone yet, but I will love you until it's time for you to lay down to rest. Everything happens according to God's plan, and I know that this happening right before I start the Veterinary Technology Program is only a confirmation that this is what I want to do for the rest of my life, care for animals like you. The one thing people always say is, "How are you going to deal with putting animals down?" I know it won't be easy, but now I will understand how it feels.