SIMBA

My heart is crushing as I write this with you sitting on my lap. Little do you know, you have a nasty fatal virus that just started out as simple that, a virus but turned into something else much much worse. You have no idea what is happening to you, and so you just snuggle with me like every other day this past month. When you were brought into the clinic, I noticed you in your kennel during one of my nightly cleaning routines. I wanted to hold you so bad but wasn't sure if I was allowed to. The next day Anna took you out of your kennel to hold you and I instantly fell in love with you. I asked Dr. Smyka if I could take you upstairs to love on you because that's what you desperately needed. She agreed that that would be a great idea. I took you upstairs and set you on the ground. You were such a timid and frightened little furball that you immediately seeked shelter behind my futon, in my tv stand, under the table, in the closet, under my nightstand, behind my bookcase and you loved to sit right in the middle of the floor underneath my bed so I couldn't reach you. You found all your little hiding places and loved to have me searching for you! For the next few days I took you upstairs after my cleaning to show you that you were safe and loved. By the second or third day, you began to feel comfortable enough to play with your toys, but yet still on your guard and ready to bolt to one of your safe hiding places. I had told myself that I would not have a pet until after I graduated from college but I just couldn't resist you. As I looked down at you cradled in my arms, you looked into my eyes, reached your paw up and touched my cheek and at that moment, I knew I had to keep you, no matter what promises I made to myself. I named you Simba because you reminded me of Simba in the Lion King, just a little kitten that would display great courage, bravery, and strength.

I brought all your things from downstairs, and got you all settled into your new home. What better place to be than to be living at a vet clinic surrounded by those who have such love, passion, and committment to keeping animals like you healthy, safe, and loved. As time went on, you started to open yourself up more and more to me, trusting me, playing with me, and cuddling. I got you your first toy, the blue bird fly toy that you just loved. I was so excited to buy food, toys, and supplies for you. I thought so hard about what to buy and wanted to make sure I created the perfect kitten environment for you to learn, play, grow, and develop. I wanted to give you every opportunity a kitten could have. I briefly remembered that I was allergic to cats but that worry quickly dissolved as I decided I would deal with it because you having a home was way more important. I remember the first night I had you overnight, I looked forward to cuddling you the whole night through just like a stuffed animal, but what I didn't realize was that nightime was when you just wanted to play! You would step all over my face and head, even trying to eat my hair. You would knead my neck and lick my eyelids. It was so hard for me to get to sleep with you doing that, so I had decided to make you sleep in the living room. I made you do that for a few days. If I knew you were sick, I would've let you eat my hair, step on my face and lick my eyelids as much as you wanted.

Before I knew you were sick, I decided to give it another shot to sleep with you, and I was actually able to fall asleep. I even remember slightly waking up and seeing your little body curled up in perfect peace right next to me. It was like one of those little hugs from God, that just reminds you that everything will be alright. But I shouldn't say "was" because you're still here. Despite how sick you feel, you still purr and you still step all over me and still wanna be close to me. The virus has made you so tired, weak, and bloated over the past few days, but today it brought so much joy to my heart to see you more active, chasing your bag of treats, climbing all over the chair and your little bed that we set up right next to the big window. The sun was so bright shining down on you, King Simba as you sat tall on your throne.

I knew something wasn't right when a few weeks ago, your belly started to look bloated. I hoped it was just because you were a growing little kitten, or maybe you just had eaten too much that time. However, your belly was continually bloated, and it really got me concerned. You weren't eating much and you weren't pooping. I prayed you were just constipated. I carried you downstairs so Dr. Smyka could look at you. She carefully examined you, listened to your little heart and lungs, and felt your belly. She said your heart and lungs were okay but that you had fluid in your belly. She asked if she could do an ultrasound and I agreed. Alice helped hold you as Dr. Smyka gently shaved your little pot belly. The ultrasound gel startled you because of the coldness but you were such a good boy. You meowed once and sound actually came out unlike your normal meows where it's just you opening your mouth. I knew you had it in you. :) My heart sunk when Dr. Smyka said things didn't look good. She asked me if it was okay to draw some of the fluid out of your belly so they could test it and see what it was. Of course I wanted to know what it was so I said yes. When she poked you with the needle, you didn't even flinch, such a strong little guy. They passed you to me when they were done and you scrambled up my chest gripping so tightly onto me that your claws dug into my shoulder. I didn't care. I had already gotten used to your daily attempts at jumping onto me when I wasn't looking, leaving all kinds of scratches on my skin!

I brought you back upstairs while they looked at the fluid sample. I prayed to God that it would be something treatable. I didn't even consider it being something too serious where nothing could be done. After a few minutes, I wrapped you back up with the white towel and cradled you as I took you back downstairs to receive the news on the diagnosis. I reached the bottom of the stairs when Dr. Smyka asked to talk to me in her office. I felt weak at that moment as I held you closer to me. We sat down and she explained that you have a virus called FIP (Feline Infectious Peritonitis). She said the cause is from a mutation of the coronavirus and that it's untreatable, un-treat-able......how I hate that word. She said you would decline from here on out and eventually need to be put down. She didn't sugarcoat it, but instead gave me the flat out truth, which I suppose doctors are supposed to do. She apologized to me and I saw her eyes start to fill up as she managed to stay steady, calm and collected. I can't imagine being in her position having to break news like this to clients. My heart dropped and broke into pieces as my eyes welled up with tears, looking down at your little furry head and ears sticking out of the towel. How could something so nasty happen to such a sweet, innocent, good animal? I guess it's the same question as to why the good die young. It's a part of life, but it still hurts like nothing else.

She told me the best thing to do is to spoil the heck out of you (which I've been having fun with :), to feed you whatever you want, to make you comfortable, and just love on you. She also gave me some medicine to try and boost your energy levels and some different kinds of foods for you to try. I'm so proud of you for still trying to eat and drink, even if just a little. She told me you are so so lucky to have found me. I had never had many animals before, not a cat or kitten specifically, so I didn't know whether I was giving you enough of what you needed, but it brought me comfort when she said that. I just hope that I gave you more than what a lot of cats get in a whole lifetime. You are so precious to me. I will not say you are just an animal because the truth is I am an animal too, and who's to say I am more intelligent or better than you. I cannot say, "Oh, it's just a cat." You are a living creature, created by God and anything that dies is a loss in the world. I have learned so much from you in so little time. I have learned how to have such a fathomless passion for something. I used to not like cats at all, but Simba, you changed my entire perspective on cats. They are such serene, intuitive, royal, mysterious creatures. I feel like there is a whole world within the realm of cats (small domestic and large wild) that we as humans just can't understand.

Simba, I will miss the way I'd come home from work and either find you curled up on my bed like you'd been waiting for me the whole day, or have to search all your hiding places. I will miss the way you'd follow me around to watch every little thing I was doing. I will miss the way I'd say your name and you'd meow but no sound would come out. I always thought you meowed because you knew your name but then once I said "Janna" and "Accalia" and you meowed, I realized you just liked to respond to me anyways. I will miss your somersaults and playfullness. I will miss sitting on the tall chair and you jumping up and scratching up my legs. I will miss you waiting to come into my bedroom at night until you heard me turn the fan on and you'd just automatically hop onto my bed and start your routine of climbing all over my face. I will miss waking up in the middle of the night to you kneading the back of my neck and playing with my hair. I will miss you kneading my back-it felt like a real massage and I had always thought it would be cool to have a personal masseuse. I will miss you tumbling around in my laundry after I'd dump it on the floor. I will miss you going crazy over that one bag of treats that you like. I will miss you trying to cuddle with me while I'm on the toilet and that time when you jumped onto my back while I was brushing my teeth. It was like you were checking to make sure I was doing it correctly or to see if I was going to floss. I will always remember the time that I was late for work and accidently left the door open and later found you hiding in the furnace room. How you scared me so much! I will also remember how I trimmed your nails and you were so good about it!

Most of all, I will miss your hazel eyes, and how you'd gaze right into mine like you could see right through the depths of my soul. You will always hold a special place in my heart that no other pet could replace, and as silly as it may sound to humans, I pray that animals go to heaven too, so I can see you again one day. You aren't gone yet, but I will love you until it's time for you to lay down to rest. Everything happens according to God's plan, and I know that this happening right before I start the Veterinary Technology Program is only a confirmation that this is what I want to do for the rest of my life, care for animals like you. The one thing people always say is, "How are you going to deal with putting animals down?" I know it won't be easy, but now I will understand how it feels.

Guard your heart and wait on the Lord....

Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it- Proverbs 4:23. God, this must be the lesson You have been trying to teach me for years, and yet I continue to fail over and over and over again. I get swayed into the ways of the world, my feelings, wants, desires, and control and I don't listen to what You say is best. I convince myself that everything will work out because I will MAKE it work out. But when I find out it doesn't work out how I wanted it to, I go crying to You wondering why.

Why do I let my heart be tossed around when it is the most precious thing You have given to me, to protect, respect, and save for the man that you have for me? Instead of waiting for You with a patient heart and clear answer, I get allured into what seems like a perfect romance or true love just by the words a man says and the initial pursuit that he invests. I convince myself that it is Your plan and that because of the way his eyes seemed so steadfast and true as he gazed into mine with such diligence and awe that that must mean he is the one. But how could I have believed this was true? I have been here before, Lord, I have been down this path a few times, but with each time I am convinced it is going to be the real thing.

Before long, the excitement, interest, and romance dwindles down, the gazing stops becoming too weird or cheesy, the sweet gestures become "unnecessary" because "We're passed that stage of the relationship," a stomp on the heart to mean "I only did those things at the beginning to get you to fall in love with me but now I don't need to maintain the relationship in order to show you my love anymore." That's like planting a flower seed and saying "Well, I planted the seed, so I don't need to water it or give it sunlight in order for it to grow into a flower. Since I planted it, it will grow on it's own." The relationship becomes just a routine like getting up and going to work in the morning. You stop doing special things for each other because you "don't have to" but the thing is, you DO have to! The little things are what keep the love, spark, and passion going! (Sorry, I'm getting off on a tangent, but check out my previous blog called "Choose To Put On Your Gear")

I'm sure many women know what I'm talking about (I'm not meaning to blame men, but this blog is mostly geared towards my ladies out there). After some time in a relationship, (Well, I guess in most cases it doesn't actually happen until marriage) you don't feel so special anymore. It seems like he doesn't make as much effort as he did at first. You start to feel like a chore, and the more you bring it up, the more he withdrawals and becomes more distant. You ultimately feel like you could just disappear and he wouldn't even notice. On his end, the stress leads to him thinking about someone new, someone he thinks is more attractive, a new interest, someone that in his mind would be perfect for him. If he were with her, everything would be rainbows and sunshine, she wouldn't ever get mad, she wouldn't ever bring up concerns, or express her true feelings. She would just be there for him. This would be temptation for emotional cheating or even physical cheating and most likely become an affair, leading to divorce or breakup.

I view this to be the reason so many relationships and marriages fail. I'm not a psychologist, pastor, marriage counselor, or have any credentials for that matter, nor am I married (not even close haha) so I understand if you don't think I know anything or should be speaking about this at all. However, I want you to remember my blog entries are just my thoughts, feelings, and what I feel God speaking to me through experiences, books I read, intuition, and observing others. And I know that maybe not all cases are this extreme or happen that fast, but based on what I've seen and heard, I think this is quite a common situation. I recently read the book, Wild At Heart by John Eldredge (-ironic that this is the name of my blog, but I actually named it before I knew about the book!) and it reveals literally everything about a man's soul and who God created him to be-the adventure that he craves for, the wounds that he bears, the battles to fight, the desire to rescue a beauty, his fears, and fighting the enemy. As I read this book, the pieces began to come together about men (whaddaya know) and why they act the way they do. It forced me to look at my past romantic relationships and see them in a new perspective which then helped me to learn even more from them.

The following is an entry from the book:

"A young man whom I admire is wrestling between the woman he is dating and the one he knew but could not capture years ago. Rachel, the woman he is currently dating, is asking a lot of him; truth be told, he feels in way over his head. Julie, the woman he did not pursue, seems more idyllic; in his imagination she would be the perfect mate. Life with Rachel is tumultuous; life with Julie seems calm and tranquil. 'You want the Bahamas,' I said. 'Rachel is the North Atlantic. Which one requires a true man?'"

It just seems like this happens so often in today's culture, that once we start to become unsatisfied, we jump to the next person. It breaks my heart. I feel for the dedicated, committed, Godly women who have gone through this, but ladies I feel confident in saying that it's not you, it's most likely him. It may not be anything you did; it's not even that another woman is better than you, more worth it that you are, or even better for him than you are. If you read the book, it will make more sense to you but every man needs time. He needs time to find out who he is, what his purpose in life is. He needs time to go out into the world and explore and climb mountains out in the wilderness. "A man needs to feel the rhythms of the earth; he needs to have in hand something real- the tiller of a boat, a set of rains, the roughness of rope, or simply a shovel," (Eldredge). He needs to test his limits, find out what makes him come alive. He needs to face some dangers and challenges to learn how to become a warrior. And here's what's amazing, men have the desire to fight the battle for us and to be our rescuer :). Many people think it's just in the Disney fairy-tale movies that this happens, but what blows my mind is, God DID create it to be this way for men and women!

"A man must know he is powerful; he must know he has what it takes. A woman must know that she is beautiful; she must know she is worth fighting for."

But the key is this. Men need to find their identity and worth and learn how to be a real man BEFORE rescuing his woman. Nowadays, even though a woman can have the best of intentions, it seems to be that we are becoming more and more impatient, anxious, and lonely that we've just decided to "take matters into our own hands" and chase the man (I'm guilty of this too....) when in reality, HE'S NOT READY. And when doing this, it actually encourages men to look to us for validation and his own masculinity when really, he should be looking to God, his father, male mentors, and his own adventures. He needs to work on wounds of his past, not depend on women to fix it.

"If you take your question to Eve, it will break your heart, I know this now, after many, many hard years. You can't get your answer there. In fact, you can't get your answer from any of the things men chase after to find their sense of self. There is only one source for the answer to your question. And so no matter where you've taken your question, you've got to take it back. You have to walk away. That is the beginning of your journey," (Eldredge).

I used to get upset about a guy breaking up with a girl, or even me (I'll be honest, yeah it still hurts and there are times where I feel upset about it) but ultimately, I understand why. And not to say that it's okay for a man to break up with a girl in a cruel way or with harsh words, I just think us women need to shift our focus on being patient, humble, beautiful (inside and out), joyful in all circumstances, and seeking God for our romantic desires. We need to be looking to God to show us our worth, to romance us, take us on His own journey where He will be the first One to answer our heart's deepest questions......Am I lovely?.....Will you choose me?...Will you pursue me?....Do you delight in me?...Will you fight for me?...

God can answer those questions for us, but a man cannot answer those questions until.....

"And let me tell you, a hesitant man is the last thing in the world a woman needs. She needs a lover and a warrior, not a really nice guy," (Eldredge).

But in order for a man to be her lover and warrior....

"The masculine journey takes a man away from the woman so that he might return to her. He goes to find his strength; he returns to offer it. He tears down the walls of the tower that has held her with 
his words and with his actions. He speaks to her heart's deepest question in a thousand ways. Yes, you are lovely. Yes, there is one who will fight for you. But because most men have not yet fought the battle, most women are still in the tower," (Eldredge).

Our men have battles they need to fight, and I will choose to wait for the man that is on fire for God, solid in Christ, dedicated, committed, and ready to fight for me every day. Ladies, I challenge you to wait with me and seek our God above. Do this especially if you don't know what true love looks like. Maybe your father ran out on you when you were just a kid, maybe he was abusive, or distant or maybe you just aren't that close to him. I believe God will show you how you deserve to be loved by a man, but not only that but also how to become the woman He created you to be.

Eldredge, John. Wild At Heart: Discovering the Passionate Soul of a Man. Nashville, TN: T. Nelson, 2001. Print.

Note: Besides Wild At Heart, I also recommend Captivating by Stasi and John Eldredge (It's like the woman version of Wild At Heart)

Uplifting Bible Verses:

Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.- Psalm 37:4

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.-Matthew 6:33

Be still before the Lord, and wait patiently for Him. Do not fret when people succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes.-Psalm 37:7

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.- Proverbs 3:5

Ignorance is Bliss

I feel like I haven't written in a long time! There is a reason for that though. :) I have been so incredibly busy and have had a never-ending to do list and still have tons of things to do, but I just felt like it was time for a new post. And I won't lie, I could use time to just relax and do something I love to do! I can't remember the last time I actually had time to write, read, or play my ukulele. I was able to go for a run on that one warm day...a few weeks ago...and I can't wait until it's warm FOR GOOD!!

Despite the crazy adjustments of my move to Lansing and new schedule, new job, new people, new everything , I am so blessed. I am so thankful for where I am in my life right now.

This morning I went to (for confidentiality reasons, we'll call him Bob)'s house (an elderly man I met who has horses and willing to teach me a little about being a horseman/woman). Today was the 4th session and each time I go, he starts out talking about life, happenings, or some idea he has about how the world should run, or how people should run I guess you could say. So today when I came, I met another man (who just so happened to already be a Veterinarian from the Ukraine-I'm going to school to be a Veterinary Technologist.) who was also visiting Bob for the same reasons, to learn about horses.We introduced ourselves and exchanged a few words and then Bob and I went into the barn to begin my session for the day. Before we started, he said "That's too bad about the Ukraine..." and I said "Why,what's happening in the Ukraine?" and he said "Don't you watch the news? You cannot come here and be ignorant about the world. I expect you to know what is going on and be Christlike in that way," (not the exact words). I was taken back by this, I explained that I'm so busy, that I don't have cable, that it's all just negative stuff on the news. What I realized was that he is right. How can I just sit in my fancy apartment in a ritzy city, attending a top ten college, set up with a perfect internship, a job, a great church, and every other tool for me to reach my goals of success. When first meeting this man, you would think he was homeless, "creepy", rude, harsh, blunt...and in some ways yes he is very blunt and "harsh" but he is different than anyone I've met. He is an intellect, cares about making a difference in the world, wanting to understand the way and why and how it works and I'm still trying to figure him out. I was glad he confronted me about this.

I listened to him speak about how so many people walk through life with blindfolds on the sides, zoned into themselves, reaching out to the world just to pull in a job, school, food, a home, but not giving back to the world. Now Bob already made it clear to me that he is not religious and that I will not get anything out of him regarding Christianity, but sometimes he uses the word "Christlike." He made the point that nothing that was put on Earth has a name on it, that everything is meant to be shared. In a way I felt convicted and reminded that I am lucky, I am blessed to be free and have everything coming to me that I need, food, shelter, education, a job etc. I don't want to be ignorant and act like the rest of the world is also happy-go-lucky, and I don't mean that I have this mindset of everything being rainbows and sunshine ( I definitely have my problems!) but they are nothing compared so some other things that are happening on the other side of the planet.

Later on when I was home eating pancakes, I decided to scroll through my phone to read some news (saying that I don't have cable was NOT a legit excuse hence my smartphone....). I read through the timeline of the events going on in Ukraine, the downfall of their president, issues with Russia annexing Crimea, the protests resulting in violence and deaths etc. I watched some of the videos and afterwards, sat there and was really hit by the fact that I have been ignorant. Even if I cannot change something happening on the other side of the world, I should still take the time to know what others are going through. If anything, I can pray for them. What kind of follower of Jesus Christ if I'm only taking what He's giving me but not giving back :/ It's common to get so wrapped up into receiving Christ's blessings which is good BUT He also wants us to give back. I'm vaguely remembering a recent Church service that mentioned something about how by continually giving to others, we in turn provide room in ourselves for God to pour out continual blessings on us. If we just keep it all for ourselves, what good is that doing? We're not reaching out! It just sounds so simple, but I think so many of us forget that.

So I guess I just wanted to express how truly grateful, and thankful I am for how God has been providing for me and blessing  me with everything I imagined, a wonderful internship, acceptance into the Vet Tech Program, food, a job, a new church with new friends, and the opportunity to learn about one of the most mysterious, majestic, beautiful, intelligent animals from a man who is willing to spend his time teaching me for free. It is good and okay to enjoy your life and everything in it and to ravish in His blessings but don't forget to remember that we are called to give back! Talk to a stranger, ask them how their day is, pray for them, watch the news and pray for those suffering, pass out sandwiches to the homeless, spend quality time with elders, do a random act of kindness. Don't do it just as a "duty" but do it out of joy for everything YOU have been given that you can then pass on :)

Bathtub Beauty

Do you ever experience something and wish you could be in that moment, or think that same exact way forever? If you could just always wake up like that each morning, have that mindset throughout the day, respond that way when someone has done wrong to you. If you could just be that way all the time, then life would be perfect! I'm having that right now.

I have struggled with anxiety for a long time, and it's something that I haven't really opened up about. I casually say "Oh! that's gonna trigger my anxiety!" or "Oh, that bugs me, I'm gonna have OCD!" I have said it lightly to make a joke out of it, but deep down, it has become a serious thing for me. I have not gone to a doctor for it, so I have not been diagnosed but I don't need a doctor to tell me that I have a problem. I know it. And I'm still working on it. When I was younger, it started out where I would have obsessive compulsive behaviors, like straightening my chair during dinner, or not wanting to lean back against anything for the fear of my clothes getting "dirty", or turning my neck a certain way consistently until I felt satisfied, and probably more behaviors. Thankfully these were just a phase (at least those particular behaviors were a phase), but now that I am older, the release for my anxiety has moved to focusing on my acne, my face, skin, perfecting my body. This is ironic because I remember being younger wondering why girls worried so much about their bodies and having to look perfect, perfect skin, perfect hair, perfect weight. That was the least of my concerns. I remember having that mindset of "A guy should love you for who you are, not for what you look like, why would you worry about your weight?" And now,,...it has reversed. I am 22 years old, still single, still dealing with acne, and picking. And I'm realizing that I focus on my body SO much. I pick every morning, throughout the day at work in the bathroom, when I get home, before I go to bed, trying to get rid of any scabs, any dead skin, imperfections, or pimples. I can't stand the thought of stuff under my skin. It's satisfying to provide a release. It's like a smoking or alcohol addiction but for me it's picking. I don't LIKE it, I don't like damaging my face, I don't like the act of picking, and about 2 months ago, I finally accepted that I have this problem.

Since I have identified it as a problem, and took action to stop I think I am doing a lot better. However, everyday I still pick at least once. It's hard, very hard. At least now I use a good cleanser, some other products, and an extractor if I absolutely have to pop a pimple. But I still fail. I still get anxious and touch my face to scan for bumps, and imperfections to scrape away. I'm realizing I take my anxiety out on my face and it's not right to do that. When I get angry or worried or feel unsettled about something, I immediately go to my face, to a mirror and start destroying my face, which leads to me being anxious even more that I'm gonna get scars and have an ugly face, and not be able to get a man. There's the option of wearing makeup to just cover it all, but I want to be pretty without makeup. I want to be beautiful without it. Makeup is just supposed to accentuate your features, not completely give you a new face. My future boyfriend/husband is going to have to see my face without makeup eventually so I want him to think I'm beautiful without makeup. 

So I realized something today, this Christmas day.....plans with family fell through, so instead I've been spending it by myself, and I think God had a reason for it...When I got home from work, I cleaned (another stress reliever- a little bit healthier than picking), cleaned my room, cleaned the kitchen, and cleaned the fish tank (Poor fish were swimming in mucky, dark, dirty water). When I was done with that, I started to look in the mirror and pick at my face, let the squeezing, popping, and digging begin..."Janna stop! stop it stop it stop it!" I knew I should stop and that's when God urged me to take a bath. I know this sounds kind've odd, but for real, I had this feeling I should take a bath and see if that would help me. I put bath salts and soap in the tub, and filled it with hot steamy water. I lit some candles, set up my laptop with Spotify music, and set a book and towel next to the tub. I never have time to do this, nor did I ever have the desire to bathe in a dirty apartment bathtub in a tiny bathroom. 

I got in, and I tried to read my book....but um let's just say it's hard to sit up against the back of the tub with a book like they do in the movies. So instead of quickly slapping shampoo and soap on my body, and doing a half shave job like I typically do, I just relaxed and washed myself....slowly...paying attention to my body and my skin, thinking positive thoughts and picturing my skin healing. When I got out, I did my face routine (not the picking, but the treatment and moisturizing!), and took my time applying lotion to my entire body. I looked at myself  naked in the mirror for a few minutes. Doing this made me see that God created me this way and loves me the way I am, and that if He loves me this way, then He sure created a man that could love me too. Beauty on the inside is what creates beauty on the outside. I realized I don't need a hott, muscular, tan, perfect looking man. What's way more important to me is that he knows how to be the man God created him to be: Godly, strong, confident, respectful, honest, chivalrous, adventurous, cherishing, forgiving, dedicated, genuine and with those qualities he can be the most attractive man to me. If I'm not perfect, how can I expect to get a perfect man?  

Maybe that's why I've struggled so much, because I was looking for a "hott" man and I thought the way I had to get one was to try and be "hott" myself. But that's not what's important! And it makes me sad to think, in a way I was smarter when I was younger, naiive, and confident, and care-free about everything! I just trusted God and didn't care whether I had a guy or not. I suppose it's reasonable for me to feel this way since I am 22 and everyone around me has a boyfriend, or is getting engaged, married, and having kids. But maybe it just means that God is still working on him, like he is me. God wants me to know that I am beautiful without a man, he is showing me that I can be happy alone, and to depend on Him for everything. As long as I am loved by God, I am okay. I have had these moments of clarity, peace, and knowing that I am enough and that I am beautiful, and that there is hope to stop picking, but it still hasn't made me completely stop. But maybe the more I get into the habit of say, taking a bath, focusing on the rest of my body, reflecting on my inner beauty, and God's love for me then those moments will eventually outweigh the moments (hours) of standing in front of mirror, and lead me to stop! 

I wanted to share this with everyone in case there are other people in the same or similar position as me, struggling with anxiety, or any other addictions or problems. I know what it's like, and there IS hope. And just as I explained, I am still learning. I'm learning how to deal with it. Even when you say you're going to stop, it will happen again and again and you will fail over and over. The key is to decrease, and to use certain strategies (like taking a bath) to redirect your focus. I think focus is the key. Do not beat yourself up if you end up picking after you told yourself you wouldn't. It's normal for it to be hard. It's hard to break habits, addictions, and ways of thinking! It takes time, but as long as you KNOW you want to stop, and you are taking appropriate steps, then just let it happen however long it takes. Remember, you are beautiful and perfect the way you are just because God created you!

Choose to Put on Your Gear

Something I've noticed about everyone around me, and I'm not excluding my old way of thinking either, but many people are looking for their "other half", their "missing puzzle piece." They're looking for someone to fill that void, and to fulfill their every need, and be everything that they've ever dreamed of, just like the fairy-tale stories in the movies.

I see a problem with this. The problem is that when we have this viewpoint, we are expecting our significant other to be "perfect." And when we have this perception that our "other half" is perfect, we become disappointed in them when they make a mistake or "break our heart". The truth is, everyone will disappoint you at some point because of the fact that no one is perfect! But it is BECAUSE of the commitment, solid friendship, relationship (and everything invested and involved) that you've got to work through those problems and forgive and forget. Choose your battles, right? It is because you have chosen to love that person, that you should stick with them to overcome the hard times which in turn will help both grow closer and stronger together that will eventually last a lifetime.

So instead of finding our other half, shouldn't we be complete on our own as a individual, and realize that love is ultimately a choice? My roommate told me a really good analogy the other day that fit exactly what I have been trying to put into words. She said "You have to be your own puzzle and have all your pieces before you can find another puzzle to go through life with. You cannot be with someone who is looking for pieces to fill their puzzle because you already have all your pieces! You need to find someone else who is a complete puzzle to share life with." If someone is looking for puzzle pieces to fit into their puzzle, they are going to be disappointed (like I mentioned).You have to be happy on your own before involving another. The phrase "I cannot live without him." should not be a reason to be with someone. You SHOULD be able to live without him. You CAN live without him. The reason to be with him is because you WANT, you CHOOSE to be with him, to SHARE, to go through life with him. It should only be a BLESSING and the FROSTING ON THE CAKE to share life with another.

Not everyone would agree with me that love is a choice and I understand why. They'd tell me that it was love at first sight. They saw each other from across the room and felt the attraction and just "knew" that that was "The one". The man asked the woman out and they fell in love from that moment on. I see it a little differently. Yes, you have to have attraction between the two of you, however, I don't believe you can love someone right away. I believe that you have to get to know them, and that is where the choice comes in- Love is taking the time to build that foundation of friendship and trust and learning how to relate to that person. It is spending time going out and doing activities together, solving problems, conversing, and laughing. Love is being there for a person, encouraging him, building him up, supporting him. Love is being able to be in silence with a person without it being awkward. It is being willing to try new things and new interests that are important to that other person, even if you wouldn't ordinarily do it on your own. Love is listening to each other and giving advice, and opening yourself up to your deepest darkest secrets, letting yourself be vulnerable in front of that person.

Feelings fade over time, and this is why people always say they "fell out of love." The reason they say that is because they based their love on feelings. They thought the feelings would always be there to sustain their marriage. But love has to be based on the things I listed above, the friendship part of it. That is why it is a choice. It is because of who a person is and what you share that makes you WANT to love them. I don't mean to be totally excluding feelings as being a part of love. It definitely is a part, I just wanted to  emphasize that it shouldn't totally be based on feelings. Instead of feelings fueling commitment (by commitment, I mean the desire to do all the things listed above), commitment (everything listed above, having that friendship, knowledge of each other, etc.) fuels feelings.

So here is what I've chosen to do.
I want to focus on preparing myself for marriage. If I don't even have myself "together" how am I going to love my husband, or be able to deal with his problems or our problems as a couple. If I am choosing to marry a man, that means that he is the most important person in the world to me (besides family), that I am giving myself to him, that in my eyes he is perfectly imperfect, and my best friend and that I want to spend the rest of my life with him. Therefore, that says I believe he deserves the best. If he chooses me to marry, then I want to be sure that I am the best wife, friend, partner for him! And what better time than now, a single woman to prepare for that!

 So here's my proposal, suggestion, and challenge to all my fellow single individuals out there, don't focus so much on trying to find the one, but instead focus on yourself and how you can be the best, complete person on your own so that you will be prepared and ready to share your life with another person. You wouldn't climb a mountain without water, a map, hiking boots, backpack, and other gear, so why enter a marriage without gear?

New Friends and Grass Being Green

For some reason, it is so hard to appreciate something until it's gone or about to be gone. This seems like such a repeated topic yet I can't seem to figure it out. When I first came to Kalamazoo it was okay but I wasn't that impressed. The city and WMU's campus just seemed run down, old and "messy" (literally liter everywhere). I didn't really know anyone and didn't get out much (maybe that was because I didn't have a car yet) but I didn't have anyone more than just acquaintances. I was quiet and kept to myself. It was like I reverted back to pre-school where I was too afraid to open my mouth. The times that parents could come to school, kids actually came up to my mom and asked if I could talk.

Moving here was probably one of the biggest changes in my life and I felt weird! I didn't have my close high school friends nearby whereas when I started out going to Grand Rapids Community College, I was still living at home where I grew up. I felt depressed for about a year just going through the motions each day, not feeling passionate about anything or having any energy. I suppose I should mention that it was more than just the change of environment that contributed to feeling depressed. I had other things happening in my life at that time as well which did not help. However, I don't want to keep talking about my depression 'cause that's not what is important!

So over time, things began to change again, but for the better! I began to feel myself becoming happier, more alive and hopeful that there really was a purpose for my life.( A lot of the change happened after traveling to the Smoky Mountains summer of 2012). I started to see what Kalamazoo has to offer including people AND places! I got to know a couple of coworkers that specifically encouraged me in my walk with God. One of them moved in with me for a while and so I started going to church with her and her boyfriend and even got baptized for the first time as an adult. I started working for the other coworker in her new catering business which was a really fun and exciting experience to serve food at a wedding. I got to know one of my managers and opened up to her about what was going on in my life and she helped me out just by recommending the Cheff Therapeutic Riding Center and Animal Rescue Project for me to volunteer at! I met some friends from working at the bookstore and one of them is influencing me to go to Africa for a wildlife conservation expedition to advance in my experience toward my animal career! I started to realize I really can do anything I want! (I apologize for so many exclamation points, but that's exactly how I feel). I decided to volunteer at Pet Vet and Binder Park Zoo and now currently looking at options for a job with animals.

Not only has everything fallen into place for my career/education goals, but I've also made so many new friends (haha, how ironic since my workplace is named New Friends) and found more hobbies and talents. I have friends that I actually hang out with outside of work which is great! It's hard to find people that you connect with well enough to spend time with more than obligated. And with that, I am seeing how many cool places Kalamazoo has even if the city doesn't exactly look "pretty". In fact, the other day, my friend and I were talking about liking Kalamazoo and he referred to it as being a little train town. It made me think that yeah, not every city needs to have a bridge and water and lots of tall, fancy, buildings. Each city has it's uniqueness and my own happiness and positive aura helped me see the good out of living in Kalamazoo. I may be sounding too profound, dramatic, and philosophical but I really think this so worth rejoicing over! I have become inspired to learn ukulele, guitar, piano, and might take up my flute again. I found that I love to long-board and am slightly good at it! I am so open to try anything new, random, and appealing. One day I could be painting a picture, the next day horseback riding, and the list goes on.

The thing I'm realizing though, is that right when I'm starting to adjust to a change in life, another change happens. I will be heading to Michigan State soon which will be another change. It won't be the same as Kalamazoo and there will be different people but now I know that I can find happiness there too. There are opportunities and people everywhere. The grass isn't greener on the other side. It's green where you water it. I know I will miss New Friends (my work and new friends I've gotten to know) but I'll try not to be sad when I go to MSU because there will be lots to look forward to there as well! The point of this blog is just to get you to think about your life and current circumstances and to take advantage of everything around you! Go find a park, or your own secret nature place. Go find your favorite coffee shop, or bar. Talk to everyone you meet and don't be afraid to be yourself because lots can come out of simply connecting with someone. I honestly thought Western Michigan was a mistake, but it's happening in front of my own eyes that everything really DOES happen for a reason. I feel so blessed and that's all I can say, so for the next few months I will enjoy Kalamazoo to the fullest!

Feelings and Thought Process at 3 am

Do animals feel? Can they have emotions, and feel love, happiness, sadness, heartache. Can they be heartbroken? I wish I was an animal sometimes. I wish I could be a wild horse and just run, and that's all I'd do, just run across the open land with nothing to worry about, no care in the world. Emotions can become too much, too much to deal with. The uncertainty of life, the inner struggles that just won't seem to let up. Do animals ever have hopelessness? Or do they just trudge on and just know that things will be okay in the end. When I look at an animal, it seems to me that they are content, but do I think that only because they cannot speak? A dog cries and whimpers but do they actually feel their heart crushing?

I just want to be an animal for one day, where I'd have no obligations, no responsibilities, no "To Do" lists, no job to go to, no chores to do. I wouldn't have to deal with human emotions....I hate human emotions, is there a way to just stop feeling? Life is a cycle of emotions and it gets so tiring. It is exhausting. It gets tiring having to analyze, and make decisions, and whether to take action or not to. It is a struggle to think, to decide if something is worthy of worrying about. It's exhausting to write this, to decide whether I want to let the world into my insane whirlwind of thoughts and feelings or if this is just going to end up being a draft and staying a draft. Why do we live by "rules"? I hate having to set rules and regulations for myself. I guess I don't HAVE to, but it's automatic. Sometimes there is too much in life to keep track of, way too much. I wish I could stop picking at my face and hurting my skin, all because of my anxiousness. I wish I wasn't such a perfectionist and could be OKAY with a mess and not having everything in it's place. I hate being in control of my life. It's too much, way too much.

I am sick of my flaws, sick of my nervous habits, perfectionism, constant worry happening in my head everywhere I go. I'm sick of judging everything I see. I'm sick of worrying what people think. I"m sick of worrying about what I look like. I'm tired of worrying that I won't be successful, or get married. I'm sick of worrying about worrying about worrying about worrying. I am sick of being a human sometimes! Is anybody with me on that?

So here's me letting go of ALL OF THE ABOVE to let God take care of. I am once again reminded that I don't have to be in control. He has a PLAN for me and everything happens for a reason. Maybe God created animals to help guide us, to teach us to sit back and RELAX and be PATIENT and CONTENT and PEACEFUL and TRUSTING and STRONG and STEADY and BOLD and CAREFREE. Tomorrow is always another chance to start fresh and my prayer tonight is that I will feel a difference and be reminded to just "let go" and let God work through me to attain those qualities, qualities of animals.