Bathtub Beauty

Do you ever experience something and wish you could be in that moment, or think that same exact way forever? If you could just always wake up like that each morning, have that mindset throughout the day, respond that way when someone has done wrong to you. If you could just be that way all the time, then life would be perfect! I'm having that right now.

I have struggled with anxiety for a long time, and it's something that I haven't really opened up about. I casually say "Oh! that's gonna trigger my anxiety!" or "Oh, that bugs me, I'm gonna have OCD!" I have said it lightly to make a joke out of it, but deep down, it has become a serious thing for me. I have not gone to a doctor for it, so I have not been diagnosed but I don't need a doctor to tell me that I have a problem. I know it. And I'm still working on it. When I was younger, it started out where I would have obsessive compulsive behaviors, like straightening my chair during dinner, or not wanting to lean back against anything for the fear of my clothes getting "dirty", or turning my neck a certain way consistently until I felt satisfied, and probably more behaviors. Thankfully these were just a phase (at least those particular behaviors were a phase), but now that I am older, the release for my anxiety has moved to focusing on my acne, my face, skin, perfecting my body. This is ironic because I remember being younger wondering why girls worried so much about their bodies and having to look perfect, perfect skin, perfect hair, perfect weight. That was the least of my concerns. I remember having that mindset of "A guy should love you for who you are, not for what you look like, why would you worry about your weight?" And now,,...it has reversed. I am 22 years old, still single, still dealing with acne, and picking. And I'm realizing that I focus on my body SO much. I pick every morning, throughout the day at work in the bathroom, when I get home, before I go to bed, trying to get rid of any scabs, any dead skin, imperfections, or pimples. I can't stand the thought of stuff under my skin. It's satisfying to provide a release. It's like a smoking or alcohol addiction but for me it's picking. I don't LIKE it, I don't like damaging my face, I don't like the act of picking, and about 2 months ago, I finally accepted that I have this problem.

Since I have identified it as a problem, and took action to stop I think I am doing a lot better. However, everyday I still pick at least once. It's hard, very hard. At least now I use a good cleanser, some other products, and an extractor if I absolutely have to pop a pimple. But I still fail. I still get anxious and touch my face to scan for bumps, and imperfections to scrape away. I'm realizing I take my anxiety out on my face and it's not right to do that. When I get angry or worried or feel unsettled about something, I immediately go to my face, to a mirror and start destroying my face, which leads to me being anxious even more that I'm gonna get scars and have an ugly face, and not be able to get a man. There's the option of wearing makeup to just cover it all, but I want to be pretty without makeup. I want to be beautiful without it. Makeup is just supposed to accentuate your features, not completely give you a new face. My future boyfriend/husband is going to have to see my face without makeup eventually so I want him to think I'm beautiful without makeup. 

So I realized something today, this Christmas day.....plans with family fell through, so instead I've been spending it by myself, and I think God had a reason for it...When I got home from work, I cleaned (another stress reliever- a little bit healthier than picking), cleaned my room, cleaned the kitchen, and cleaned the fish tank (Poor fish were swimming in mucky, dark, dirty water). When I was done with that, I started to look in the mirror and pick at my face, let the squeezing, popping, and digging begin..."Janna stop! stop it stop it stop it!" I knew I should stop and that's when God urged me to take a bath. I know this sounds kind've odd, but for real, I had this feeling I should take a bath and see if that would help me. I put bath salts and soap in the tub, and filled it with hot steamy water. I lit some candles, set up my laptop with Spotify music, and set a book and towel next to the tub. I never have time to do this, nor did I ever have the desire to bathe in a dirty apartment bathtub in a tiny bathroom. 

I got in, and I tried to read my book....but um let's just say it's hard to sit up against the back of the tub with a book like they do in the movies. So instead of quickly slapping shampoo and soap on my body, and doing a half shave job like I typically do, I just relaxed and washed myself....slowly...paying attention to my body and my skin, thinking positive thoughts and picturing my skin healing. When I got out, I did my face routine (not the picking, but the treatment and moisturizing!), and took my time applying lotion to my entire body. I looked at myself  naked in the mirror for a few minutes. Doing this made me see that God created me this way and loves me the way I am, and that if He loves me this way, then He sure created a man that could love me too. Beauty on the inside is what creates beauty on the outside. I realized I don't need a hott, muscular, tan, perfect looking man. What's way more important to me is that he knows how to be the man God created him to be: Godly, strong, confident, respectful, honest, chivalrous, adventurous, cherishing, forgiving, dedicated, genuine and with those qualities he can be the most attractive man to me. If I'm not perfect, how can I expect to get a perfect man?  

Maybe that's why I've struggled so much, because I was looking for a "hott" man and I thought the way I had to get one was to try and be "hott" myself. But that's not what's important! And it makes me sad to think, in a way I was smarter when I was younger, naiive, and confident, and care-free about everything! I just trusted God and didn't care whether I had a guy or not. I suppose it's reasonable for me to feel this way since I am 22 and everyone around me has a boyfriend, or is getting engaged, married, and having kids. But maybe it just means that God is still working on him, like he is me. God wants me to know that I am beautiful without a man, he is showing me that I can be happy alone, and to depend on Him for everything. As long as I am loved by God, I am okay. I have had these moments of clarity, peace, and knowing that I am enough and that I am beautiful, and that there is hope to stop picking, but it still hasn't made me completely stop. But maybe the more I get into the habit of say, taking a bath, focusing on the rest of my body, reflecting on my inner beauty, and God's love for me then those moments will eventually outweigh the moments (hours) of standing in front of mirror, and lead me to stop! 

I wanted to share this with everyone in case there are other people in the same or similar position as me, struggling with anxiety, or any other addictions or problems. I know what it's like, and there IS hope. And just as I explained, I am still learning. I'm learning how to deal with it. Even when you say you're going to stop, it will happen again and again and you will fail over and over. The key is to decrease, and to use certain strategies (like taking a bath) to redirect your focus. I think focus is the key. Do not beat yourself up if you end up picking after you told yourself you wouldn't. It's normal for it to be hard. It's hard to break habits, addictions, and ways of thinking! It takes time, but as long as you KNOW you want to stop, and you are taking appropriate steps, then just let it happen however long it takes. Remember, you are beautiful and perfect the way you are just because God created you!

Choose to Put on Your Gear

Something I've noticed about everyone around me, and I'm not excluding my old way of thinking either, but many people are looking for their "other half", their "missing puzzle piece." They're looking for someone to fill that void, and to fulfill their every need, and be everything that they've ever dreamed of, just like the fairy-tale stories in the movies.

I see a problem with this. The problem is that when we have this viewpoint, we are expecting our significant other to be "perfect." And when we have this perception that our "other half" is perfect, we become disappointed in them when they make a mistake or "break our heart". The truth is, everyone will disappoint you at some point because of the fact that no one is perfect! But it is BECAUSE of the commitment, solid friendship, relationship (and everything invested and involved) that you've got to work through those problems and forgive and forget. Choose your battles, right? It is because you have chosen to love that person, that you should stick with them to overcome the hard times which in turn will help both grow closer and stronger together that will eventually last a lifetime.

So instead of finding our other half, shouldn't we be complete on our own as a individual, and realize that love is ultimately a choice? My roommate told me a really good analogy the other day that fit exactly what I have been trying to put into words. She said "You have to be your own puzzle and have all your pieces before you can find another puzzle to go through life with. You cannot be with someone who is looking for pieces to fill their puzzle because you already have all your pieces! You need to find someone else who is a complete puzzle to share life with." If someone is looking for puzzle pieces to fit into their puzzle, they are going to be disappointed (like I mentioned).You have to be happy on your own before involving another. The phrase "I cannot live without him." should not be a reason to be with someone. You SHOULD be able to live without him. You CAN live without him. The reason to be with him is because you WANT, you CHOOSE to be with him, to SHARE, to go through life with him. It should only be a BLESSING and the FROSTING ON THE CAKE to share life with another.

Not everyone would agree with me that love is a choice and I understand why. They'd tell me that it was love at first sight. They saw each other from across the room and felt the attraction and just "knew" that that was "The one". The man asked the woman out and they fell in love from that moment on. I see it a little differently. Yes, you have to have attraction between the two of you, however, I don't believe you can love someone right away. I believe that you have to get to know them, and that is where the choice comes in- Love is taking the time to build that foundation of friendship and trust and learning how to relate to that person. It is spending time going out and doing activities together, solving problems, conversing, and laughing. Love is being there for a person, encouraging him, building him up, supporting him. Love is being able to be in silence with a person without it being awkward. It is being willing to try new things and new interests that are important to that other person, even if you wouldn't ordinarily do it on your own. Love is listening to each other and giving advice, and opening yourself up to your deepest darkest secrets, letting yourself be vulnerable in front of that person.

Feelings fade over time, and this is why people always say they "fell out of love." The reason they say that is because they based their love on feelings. They thought the feelings would always be there to sustain their marriage. But love has to be based on the things I listed above, the friendship part of it. That is why it is a choice. It is because of who a person is and what you share that makes you WANT to love them. I don't mean to be totally excluding feelings as being a part of love. It definitely is a part, I just wanted to  emphasize that it shouldn't totally be based on feelings. Instead of feelings fueling commitment (by commitment, I mean the desire to do all the things listed above), commitment (everything listed above, having that friendship, knowledge of each other, etc.) fuels feelings.

So here is what I've chosen to do.
I want to focus on preparing myself for marriage. If I don't even have myself "together" how am I going to love my husband, or be able to deal with his problems or our problems as a couple. If I am choosing to marry a man, that means that he is the most important person in the world to me (besides family), that I am giving myself to him, that in my eyes he is perfectly imperfect, and my best friend and that I want to spend the rest of my life with him. Therefore, that says I believe he deserves the best. If he chooses me to marry, then I want to be sure that I am the best wife, friend, partner for him! And what better time than now, a single woman to prepare for that!

 So here's my proposal, suggestion, and challenge to all my fellow single individuals out there, don't focus so much on trying to find the one, but instead focus on yourself and how you can be the best, complete person on your own so that you will be prepared and ready to share your life with another person. You wouldn't climb a mountain without water, a map, hiking boots, backpack, and other gear, so why enter a marriage without gear?

New Friends and Grass Being Green

For some reason, it is so hard to appreciate something until it's gone or about to be gone. This seems like such a repeated topic yet I can't seem to figure it out. When I first came to Kalamazoo it was okay but I wasn't that impressed. The city and WMU's campus just seemed run down, old and "messy" (literally liter everywhere). I didn't really know anyone and didn't get out much (maybe that was because I didn't have a car yet) but I didn't have anyone more than just acquaintances. I was quiet and kept to myself. It was like I reverted back to pre-school where I was too afraid to open my mouth. The times that parents could come to school, kids actually came up to my mom and asked if I could talk.

Moving here was probably one of the biggest changes in my life and I felt weird! I didn't have my close high school friends nearby whereas when I started out going to Grand Rapids Community College, I was still living at home where I grew up. I felt depressed for about a year just going through the motions each day, not feeling passionate about anything or having any energy. I suppose I should mention that it was more than just the change of environment that contributed to feeling depressed. I had other things happening in my life at that time as well which did not help. However, I don't want to keep talking about my depression 'cause that's not what is important!

So over time, things began to change again, but for the better! I began to feel myself becoming happier, more alive and hopeful that there really was a purpose for my life.( A lot of the change happened after traveling to the Smoky Mountains summer of 2012). I started to see what Kalamazoo has to offer including people AND places! I got to know a couple of coworkers that specifically encouraged me in my walk with God. One of them moved in with me for a while and so I started going to church with her and her boyfriend and even got baptized for the first time as an adult. I started working for the other coworker in her new catering business which was a really fun and exciting experience to serve food at a wedding. I got to know one of my managers and opened up to her about what was going on in my life and she helped me out just by recommending the Cheff Therapeutic Riding Center and Animal Rescue Project for me to volunteer at! I met some friends from working at the bookstore and one of them is influencing me to go to Africa for a wildlife conservation expedition to advance in my experience toward my animal career! I started to realize I really can do anything I want! (I apologize for so many exclamation points, but that's exactly how I feel). I decided to volunteer at Pet Vet and Binder Park Zoo and now currently looking at options for a job with animals.

Not only has everything fallen into place for my career/education goals, but I've also made so many new friends (haha, how ironic since my workplace is named New Friends) and found more hobbies and talents. I have friends that I actually hang out with outside of work which is great! It's hard to find people that you connect with well enough to spend time with more than obligated. And with that, I am seeing how many cool places Kalamazoo has even if the city doesn't exactly look "pretty". In fact, the other day, my friend and I were talking about liking Kalamazoo and he referred to it as being a little train town. It made me think that yeah, not every city needs to have a bridge and water and lots of tall, fancy, buildings. Each city has it's uniqueness and my own happiness and positive aura helped me see the good out of living in Kalamazoo. I may be sounding too profound, dramatic, and philosophical but I really think this so worth rejoicing over! I have become inspired to learn ukulele, guitar, piano, and might take up my flute again. I found that I love to long-board and am slightly good at it! I am so open to try anything new, random, and appealing. One day I could be painting a picture, the next day horseback riding, and the list goes on.

The thing I'm realizing though, is that right when I'm starting to adjust to a change in life, another change happens. I will be heading to Michigan State soon which will be another change. It won't be the same as Kalamazoo and there will be different people but now I know that I can find happiness there too. There are opportunities and people everywhere. The grass isn't greener on the other side. It's green where you water it. I know I will miss New Friends (my work and new friends I've gotten to know) but I'll try not to be sad when I go to MSU because there will be lots to look forward to there as well! The point of this blog is just to get you to think about your life and current circumstances and to take advantage of everything around you! Go find a park, or your own secret nature place. Go find your favorite coffee shop, or bar. Talk to everyone you meet and don't be afraid to be yourself because lots can come out of simply connecting with someone. I honestly thought Western Michigan was a mistake, but it's happening in front of my own eyes that everything really DOES happen for a reason. I feel so blessed and that's all I can say, so for the next few months I will enjoy Kalamazoo to the fullest!

Feelings and Thought Process at 3 am

Do animals feel? Can they have emotions, and feel love, happiness, sadness, heartache. Can they be heartbroken? I wish I was an animal sometimes. I wish I could be a wild horse and just run, and that's all I'd do, just run across the open land with nothing to worry about, no care in the world. Emotions can become too much, too much to deal with. The uncertainty of life, the inner struggles that just won't seem to let up. Do animals ever have hopelessness? Or do they just trudge on and just know that things will be okay in the end. When I look at an animal, it seems to me that they are content, but do I think that only because they cannot speak? A dog cries and whimpers but do they actually feel their heart crushing?

I just want to be an animal for one day, where I'd have no obligations, no responsibilities, no "To Do" lists, no job to go to, no chores to do. I wouldn't have to deal with human emotions....I hate human emotions, is there a way to just stop feeling? Life is a cycle of emotions and it gets so tiring. It is exhausting. It gets tiring having to analyze, and make decisions, and whether to take action or not to. It is a struggle to think, to decide if something is worthy of worrying about. It's exhausting to write this, to decide whether I want to let the world into my insane whirlwind of thoughts and feelings or if this is just going to end up being a draft and staying a draft. Why do we live by "rules"? I hate having to set rules and regulations for myself. I guess I don't HAVE to, but it's automatic. Sometimes there is too much in life to keep track of, way too much. I wish I could stop picking at my face and hurting my skin, all because of my anxiousness. I wish I wasn't such a perfectionist and could be OKAY with a mess and not having everything in it's place. I hate being in control of my life. It's too much, way too much.

I am sick of my flaws, sick of my nervous habits, perfectionism, constant worry happening in my head everywhere I go. I'm sick of judging everything I see. I'm sick of worrying what people think. I"m sick of worrying about what I look like. I'm tired of worrying that I won't be successful, or get married. I'm sick of worrying about worrying about worrying about worrying. I am sick of being a human sometimes! Is anybody with me on that?

So here's me letting go of ALL OF THE ABOVE to let God take care of. I am once again reminded that I don't have to be in control. He has a PLAN for me and everything happens for a reason. Maybe God created animals to help guide us, to teach us to sit back and RELAX and be PATIENT and CONTENT and PEACEFUL and TRUSTING and STRONG and STEADY and BOLD and CAREFREE. Tomorrow is always another chance to start fresh and my prayer tonight is that I will feel a difference and be reminded to just "let go" and let God work through me to attain those qualities, qualities of animals.

Let's be honest, honesty is the best policy

Why, why, why, whyyyy are we SOOO afraid to be honest? Is it so hard to tell someone the truth when you don't like them or that you don't want a relationship, that you don't want to be friends? Why are we so afraid? I guess I just don't understand it, maybe because I'm the extreme opposite and am too honest. I say more than I should. At work, when I make a mistake I tell my manager. When I forget to do a task at work, I say it's because I forgot. I tell it like it is. When someone asks my opinion, I will tell them my opinion, sometimes I tell my opinion even when no one asks. When something in a relationship happens, I'm the one that pours my heart and soul out in hopes of results similar to the movies. When I am upset, frustrated, irritated with you, it might take a little bit for me to gain the courage, but I will tell you. No, this does not mean that I will be mean about it but I sure as heck will tell you, in as nice of a way as I can, and if it doesn't come off that way, then I guess that's part of how I feel about whatever I am saying. I wear my heart on my sleeve and yes, maybe this is a bad thing, but it's how I am.

Are we (and I say "we" including myself because I don't mean to make it seem that by me being honest means I am perfect- there are times where it's hard to be honest, and I know there are others that are too honest like me as well) so afraid to be honest because of getting hurt? I guess it makes sense but it also doesn't make sense at the same time because by holding everything in and not just letting it out is going to increase pain, sorrows, and regrets even more in the future, you know?  If a guy likes a girl, and she doesn't really like him, she could just be straightforward and TELL him! However, most of us would beat around the bush with excuses and ongoing flirtatiousness (just because it's fun, and maybe you like the person, for fun, but don't want a relationship) and not want to "hurt" his feelings. Well, by the girl beating around the bush or "using" the guy for days and days or months and months, however long SHE chooses, the girl is increasing the guy's hopes of having a relationship, which in the end will crush the guy waaaayy more than if she had told him right away.

We all, as humans, understand each other whether you agree with that or not. We all have feelings, and all have gone through similar trials and tribulations that lead to the SAME feelings. We all have felt them and have our ways of dealing with it! So again, why can't we be honest? If you understand how a certain situation feels, or have gone through something similar but from a different perspective, then...my question is, how could you be so careless to not be honest with the person that is now in the shoes that you once were in?

Now, I am not talking about if a wife asks her husband if she looks fat in a certain outfit, for him to say "yes, honey you look fat." There are ways to say things in a nice way but STILL BEING HONEST. If she is wearing an outfit that is not so flattering, he could say, (because he should in fact love her for who she is, not what she's wearing) "Baby, you are beautiful no matter what you're wearing... (either leave at that, or add on...) "but I love you in that one black dress you have." Get what I mean? Honesty does hurt sometimes, but I'm not referring to shallow situations like this. I'm talking about real situations and deep stuff. Honesty does hurt but we WILL get over it! We've all been hurt before, from the time we were born. There is no way around it, it's just a part of life. I'm sorry to be so philosophical but it's just something that has been on my mind lately and deserves time to be thought about.

If we were all honest, I truly believe (and you can disagree) that we would go through less pain, and less problems (or that problems would become easier to solve). You would know if someone liked you, you would know if you really had what it takes to be on American Idol or if you needed more vocal practice, you would know what your husband or wife likes in bed and could fulfill their needs, you would know if you were starting to fall into a dangerous pit in life but hopefully would still be able to climb out.

My prayer to God tonight is that more and more people could understand that, (as cheesy as it sounds) honesty is indeed the best policy. Honesty doesn't always have to cause pain either, it can do the complete opposite. Think of how many lovers could have found each other, or how many relationships could be healed! How amazing would it be to hear someone that you've loved for a long time say back "I love you too, I've loved you for a long time." How relieving would it be to hear "I'm sorry. I forgive you." Someone has to start. Someone has to say it first otherwise you'll never know. Be the one to be honest. It may end up being the best thing in the world, or it could cause a lot, a LOT of pain, but less pain than it would if it was prolonged. Just think, think about it.

Too much to have a title.....

As many of you know, this past month I took a road trip with my best friend Emma across the United States, and I thought maybe I should share some experiences and thoughts that I had during and now afterwards. As we planned this trip, I thought it would be the trip of a lifetime, not that it wasn't, but it wasn't exactly what I thought it would be. We planned to take every opportunity in each city and each national park to do wild adventures, like white water rafting, horseback riding, kayaking, gun shooting, and hiking everyday. We'd camp every night at a campground, we'd cook over the fire, and everything would work out great! Just two best friends livin' it up with no care in the world.

Well, that wasn't exactly how things went. But I believe that if something isn't how you expect it, that just means it's something to learn from, and this trip was one of those times. God brought to my attention three things: learning to trust Him fully and undoubtedly, learning to appreciate where I come from, and lastly confirmation for my life career. Let me tell you the story of how the first day went (mostly because it's hilarious but also a lesson learned)

 The first night was great, well, started great. We reserved a hotel ahead of time in St. Louis, Missouri (only because there were no campgrounds whatsoever!). Driving downtown St. Louis was the beginning of the hectic downtown traffic we'd experience on this trip. St. Louis was quite lively as they had a concert going on under the arch (Kid Rock was there!) and a baseball game in the Cardinal Stadium. Despite the chaos, we found a nice little parking spot on the side of a street, hopped out and started walking around the city. We found a little park area they have centered in the city and made wishes as we threw pennies into the fountain.We walked up and down the streets and ate at an Italian restaurant in which we discovered the boxty! We had never heard of a boxty, but apparently it is a famous italian food. It's like a pancake with whatever meat or vegetables etc. rolled up inside, all fried and greasy :)

We followed a crowd through the fair/concert and took some pictures of the arch, and did lots of wandering around and observing. As it started to get later, we thought we should beat the rush out of St. Louis before we get caught up in traffic and so that we could have time to swim at the hotel! We headed to where we were parked but when we got where we thought it was, my car was not there. We decided to just check all the streets on "this" side of the arch. We KNEW it was on "this side of the arch" facing the arch. Still nowhere to be found. Okay, so maybe it was on the other side of the arch and our memory was just inaccurate. So we checked the streets on the other side, still nowhere to be found! What was our problem! There were many cops around monitoring the area and directing traffic so we thought if worse came to worse, we could just ask a cop to help us. But we wanted to find it on our own! We convinced ourselves that this is just a lesson from God, so we searched and searched some more, feet killing us, backs hurting, kind of weary about who was around us. I had many thoughts about what could have happened. Was it stolen? Did someone break in and steal all our luggage? What on earth happened!

Finally a couple hours later, I went to an intersection where I saw two cops.They both looked at us and out of breath I said "We need help-(sigh)." The woman came over and I explained that we could NOT seem to find my car and wondered if a cop could drive us around. She said all the police were very busy and probably couldn't drive us around but that we could report it stolen. I thought, you have got to be kidding me, when I was 7 years old in safety town, they always said police are there to help you and if you're lost, look for a policeman.  I knew right then that that was probably what happened, my car had been stolen, but then I said "But how can I just jump to that conclusion that someone stole it! Maybe we're just dumb." She explained how someone could break into a car and said that with St. Louis being rated second in the country for crime rates, she wouldn't doubt it! Thanks lady! She then told us where the Police Headquarters were so we could figure out what to do.

We got there and the policeman called the 911 dispatcher for me to talk to. I explained to her the situation and she asked questions about what street we were parked on and other details, and I could not believe things had gotten to this point. I was almost on the verge of tears but kept thinking it's gonna be fine, we have to find it eventually, this won't last forever. It had gotten so late and dark out, which added to the effect of this whole situation feeling like a dream. I told the dispatcher that we were too stupid to look at the street we were parked on. I went on to try and make us not sound stupid by explaining we're just used to our hometown and knowing where things are. You can just park and use your intuition to know where you parked, but in all likelihood, we sounded more stupid 'cause she said "You don't know what STREET you parked on?!?"

She asked me a few more questions and finally said that she would send an officer to us. We went to the waiting room and waited.

(About half hour later)
A man in uniform walked in with a look on his face that expressed 'Alright, this is ridiculous' I kind of wanted to laugh because I knew it was incredibly ridiculous but I seriously needed to find my car! As stupid as I felt, I explained the situation to him and he asked the same questions that everyone had been asking us: what street were you parked on, what direction, what side of the arch, what buildings were you next to. We honestly had no idea anymore, so finally we went out to his Police SUV and he asked my license plate number (which was the only thing I DID remember, oddly enough). He found that at least it hadn't been towed, good thing! He told us to hop in the back of his SUV...we said "Ookay!" as Emma and I both raised our eyebrows as we exchanged excited glances. He moved some things over and we got in, and first thing we saw was a gun secured upright right in front of our eyes. My mood lifted and I thought to myself, This is gonna be fun! He started to drive up and down the streets and of course making U-turns whenever he felt like it.....which was pretty attractive! I said, "Sorry, you probably have more important things to be doing." and he responded "Well....I mean...." like he knew he really did but didn't want to be mean. I found his response even more hilarious. I went through so many emotions during this car ride: the verge of laughter, tears, frustration, and giddy over this policeman.

I can't tell you how many cars we thought were possibly mine, but turned out not. He kept asking us different questions to help us remember where we were parked, and Emma and I were convinced we were in a certain area. Time went on, and he was still drivin' around town and finally I was able to relax a bit. It helped that he was cute, and smelled good, and had country music playing on the radio. I found myself singing along a few times. We were able to start to remember a few things about how we drove into St. Louis and what streets we turned on. One thing led to another and he said "See, it's all coming back!" I looked at Emma and almost busted out in song by Celine Dion "It's all coming back, it's all comin' back to me no-o-oww."

After about 45 mins of driving around, I spotted my car on this tiny angle street, so he drove up to it and sure enough there was Grover! (yes, my car has a name). I said "Did we go on this street??" and he said "No, no...but we went passed it." This made me think we weren't the only ones to had a hard time! Emma and I hopped out and said "Thank you" a million times to the cop, who we think's name is Nicholas. We sat in my car and about PEED our pants, we could not stop laughing and crying! It was one of those stomach wrenching laughs where you're laughing so hard that there's no sound. We were crying out of pure joy that we finally found my car but laughing because it was probably the most awkward situation we had ever been in in our entire lives.

As ridiculous as this story was, it truly made me realize that I need to start trusting God will take care of us, and to remember what street we park on! We were thankful God placed us in this situation this only the first day so that we would remember next time. Each time we parked somewhere, we made sure we knew the name of the street we were parked on. It seems like it would be common sense, and yes it really is...but it was an eye opener to me. Sometimes it takes having the actual experience or situation happen before learning your lesson.

Besides learning to be aware of our surroundings, I learned to appreciate where I come from. After St. Louis, we traveled through Arrow Rock, MO;Omaha, NE; Platte, SD, and then into Wyoming. I never knew how non-civilized these states were. There are no people, houses, or cities for miles and miles. All we saw out the window was farmland, cows, crop fields, and just plain land, sometimes even just old junk or rusty machinery. There were many times where we didn't know when the next gas station or campground would be, but all we could do was drive. There was a tiny town that I remember passing through (can't remember what state-there were plenty now that I think about it) but there was just a few houses, a fast food joint, a bank, an elementary school and maybe a few other buildings. I remember specifically wondering what people do around there. There's an elementary school, but what about high school or college? They just have to leave their hometown when they get a certain age? And what about for fun? It dawned on me that maybe the only thing they do is farming, literally. I always thought it would be fun to live on a farm and do the whole country living thing, but I actually felt more appreciative of where I come from.

 I was born and raised in Grand Rapids, MI., and in Michigan, we have the city, country, forest and beach all in one. One day you can get all dressed up, looking glamorous, heading out to a fancy restaurant downtown and then to a concert at Van Andel while the next day, putting on your jeans and boots to go out horseback riding, hunting, fishing, hiking or whatever wild outdoor adventure you choose! And the day after that, you can put your bikini on and have a lazy day at Lake Michigan or even take the speedboat for ride. We have a Meijer, Wal-mart, or Target (if not all) on just about every street. We have a gas station around every corner. We have endless restaurant choices, and plenty of events happening all the time everywhere you go seems like. No matter what direction you choose to drive, you will hit city, country, trees, and maybe even water. This is what I have found to love so much about Michigan.

You don't have to be one "type" of person and have just one hobby or thing you love to do. There are so many opportunities in Michigan to fulfill whatever desires you have. Maybe this is why we're so overpopulated? When I was younger, I'd always say to my mom "Why do we live in junky, boring Michigan? You could've chosen anywhere, but why Michigan?" I think I'm beginning to know why (smile). This isn't to say that I've changed my mind about living in a different state for a change (eventually) but it has made me appreciate Michigan so much more. When my girlfriends and I have a craving for oreos while watching our chick flicks, we are able to quick run over to the grocery store to fulfill that desire! I am able to drive my car until it gets to E and THEN put gas in, not having to worry about finding a gas station. If I want to long-board, run, or bike somewhere to get exercise instead of driving, I can do it! If I want to get away from the hustle and bustle of busy people in the city, I can find peace in a random field or park, at a lake, or nature preserve. I can observe wildlife around me, or even go to Binder Park Zoo where despite Michigan's overpopulation, they maintain the proper environment and amount of land for their variety of animals.

 We have hospitals and health centers and schools everywhere. I am lucky to be surrounded by all of this, and to have my every "need" met. While driving through these plain states, I pictured myself living there and played out in my head what I would need to do in certain situations, being in the middle of nowhere. It was honestly hard to comprehend what I would do if I went into labor, sliced my finger off, needed gas, or how I would live without ice cream at 1 am. I feel very fortunate and blessed by where I come from.

Not only did I appreciate what state I live in but I was constantly being reminded to be grateful for everything I have, money, a job, a place to live, a car, family, good health. I can't tell you the number of homeless people we saw on the side of the streets, dirty clothes, pushing grocery carts, crying or talking to themselves, begging for money. Here I'm able to take this gigantic road trip across the country and they're just trying to find their next meal. I hope to continue to be reminded that I'm blessed.

Yellowstone National Park was where I found confirmation for what I believe I was born to do, to learn about and make a difference in nature and animal's lives.Yeah, yeah it sounds so cliche or cheesy but I truly mean it. The first night at Yellowstone was a nightmare only because we could not find any open campgrounds. They were all full so we ended up staying at a crazy expensive hotel just outside the park. The next day, we drove back in early so we could make sure we got a site! We got our site and went on to start exploring! As most of you probably know, Yellowstone is known for having a variety and abundance of wildlife. When we had entered the park, they said something like "Remember! There are about 400 bears and over 2,000 bison between here and the end of the park. Have fun!" This was when I became really excited!

There were lots of things to see in Yellowstone, and we basically had to drive to each point. So as we were driving through Yellowstone on the winding road, we came across a bunch of parked cars and people standing outside with their cameras. We quick pulled over to see what everyone else was seeing and right away we saw him, large, brown, antlers and all, such a majestic creature. He looked so strong and sovereign like he was the leader of all the animals in the park. As goofy as it sounds, in a way I felt like I was a part of the animal life in Yellowstone. I felt at home. Even though the elk doesn't necessarily come off as a vicious, frightening creature, I feared him, almost like the way you fear God, in a good way. I instantly had this respect for the elk because I was standing in his territory, on his land. He had this unexplainable effect on me, almost like he was putting me in my place just by his presence. He made me want to be more bold, independent, and confident myself, to attain the qualities that he has. I had never experienced such a feeling in my life, and I don't want to forget it. It's funny now that I think about it, I love animals so much but sometimes when I (and humans in general) get caught up in our busy, technological, modern day lives, we forget we are sharing this earth with so many other amazing creatures. Just because we have the cognitive capacities to think, make decisions, problem-solve, have emotions (...etc.), I don't believe we humans were created to take full control over the world and take everything for ourselves and to our benefit, but to use those mental abilities to protect and preserve the other animals we live with, to help them grow and prosper.

My fascination with wildlife and nature continues...
That night, we went to an amphitheater presentation in the campground we were staying at. The park ranger talked about the history of Yellowstone, their famous geysers, and even went into detail about teeny tiny organisms living in the hot springs, which was so interesting to hear about. It was like biology class all over again! Extremophiles are organisms that live in extreme conditions like temperature, acidity, pressure etc. and the group is broken down into bacteria and archaea (single-celled). They are able to withstand high temperatures because they contain special proteins that are resistant to high temps. The reason life in hot springs is so important is because it has brought up the idea of there being life on the moon or other planets! And the way extremophiles survive is by producing energy from inorganic compounds unlike most organisms that produce energy from organic compounds.  Here are some pictures I took!

So as I sat through this presentation, I felt that sense of confirmation that I am finally on the right track of what I'm supposed to do in my life, learn about animals and our earth, and most of all finding out what it is I can do to make a difference. I think it took getting out into the world and truly experiencing nature firsthand rather than just in a classroom in high school. Too bad high school can't consist of pure traveling! All you need is to find something that puts a smile on your face and makes your heart flutter when you think about it. I guess it could be similar to finding the one you're supposed to marry!

The next day we went for one more hike before leaving town, and this one was where I was hoping to see a bear. Well, I kind of did but also kind of didn't want to. There were signs at the beginning "Beware!" and "What to do if you see a bear" with a list of steps. I started to get slightly nervous and felt my heart pounding faster, like how you feel when you're going up a roller coaster. I stayed alert and looked around, tapping two sticks together so that there weren't any surprises. The whole time I had to pray to God that he'd give me strength and courage to know what to do when I'd see this bear ( I was determined to find one). I actually played it out in my head over and over what I would do if I saw a bear and how I would react. We kept going along, hiking higher and higher into the trees as the road below us started to disappear. It made me more nervous but it was okay. I wanted to be tested and in this position. I wanted to be tested by God to see if I truly trusted him. I noticed myself fully trusting him when I could freely hike without a care in the world. I didn't feel afraid anymore, and all I could think about was how fun it is to be surrounded by trees and hearing the crunch of my boots on the ground. I began to think that if I died from a bear, at least I'd be in my element, nature and animals. However, I didn't end up seeing a bear, and to be honest I was relieved. I think I realized that maybe God just wanted me to see how it feels like to trust him not knowing what the outcome will be.

Pics of my hike in bear country...

The three main things I learned on this trip are important to me because I never really figured them out just living in my Kalamazoo apartment, going through my day to day routine. Being placed in positions (getting lost, not knowing where we were sleeping, getting discouraged about money, or eaten by bears) like this, you have no choice BUT to trust God. Being in one place your whole life only lets you have one perspective. It's like reading one chapter in a book. You have to travel in order to learn, to read more chapters, to appreciate what you have. And finally, traveling is a must so that you can see what life and our world really has to offer so that you can find what it is you're meant to do to make a difference. There are so many opportunities and new things to try and breathtaking views to see. If you want to see your problems diminish, then go drive through mountains, swim in the Missouri River, sit on the edge of the Grand Canyon, get as close as you can to an elk or a bison, take a hike in Bear Country where fighting a bear becomes your only problem. It's truly a blessing.

As I'm trying to figure out how to organize this entry and conclude, I am beginning to become overwhelmed by more that I want to say....I guess I'm starting to think I could write a book? But I don't know if such an experience can even be explained in a book. These are only a few of the highlights of my trip so the only way is for you to go experience it for yourself. It will change your life in at least one way if not many. Before this trip, I had been weary about where my life was headed and if I was on the right path but after coming back, I am sure God has me right where he wants me to be.

"Hey Hey!"

Tonight I watched a resident very dear to me almost suffer to death  in front of my own eyes. After I gave him spoonful after spoonful of the medicine/applesauce concoction and water afterwards, he began to cough but I could hear an ocean forming in his chest. He continued wallowing in this ocean just coughing and coughing, but barely inhaling. It is good when someone coughs because you know they are still getting oxygen, however this sounded like he was drowning, drowning in an ocean of applesauce, crushed pills, water, phlegm, mucous, and other fluids, overflowing and flooding the spaces in the lungs, preventing the expansion and exchanges of gases, requiring force and pressure for the lungs to do their job. I felt so helpless. I just wanted to free him of everything that was building up in his poor chest. His head was back as he struggled and struggled, bobbing back and forth, chest crackling, rolling and rippling with thick fluids.

My coworker came in and soon after, my supervisor. She flopped him forward and started patting his back, his head tossing side, back, and forward.... "He's not gonna make it."- she said. All I could do was take his hand and say "Bob, it's okay. You're okay buddy. Cough, cough it up. Get it all out, come on Bob." He looked more and more discolored and so distant. I knew he was gonna die, I just knew it. And earlier that evening I had gone in his room and sat by him just to talk to him, hoping he'd say something to make me laugh like he always would.  He could barely talk because the congestion decided to take over. It made me so sad that for him to be so miserable. Bob was so goofy, mostly appropriate but sometimes inappropriate, would call you "kid" or "hun", and would treat you like his bud. When you'd say "Hey Bob!", he'd say "Hey hey!" He loved hunting, fishing, and his black Labrador dog. He was like a country boy, and you could smell it in his room.

When I had gone in his room to feed him dinner, I began to get tears in my eyes 'cause it didn't seem fair for him to suffer like this. I fed him one bite at a time, one sip of water at a time, and encouraged him to chew thoroughly and then swallow. He did quite well and even looked over and smiled at me with his gorgeous, piercing blue eyes. When I was done feeding him, I left him to rest a while and whenever I'd pass his room, his head would be back, mouth wide open...just looking so uncomfortable, breaking my heart.

My supervisor continued patting his back. "I feel like it's my fault,"- I said. The tears poured down my face as I ran out of the room, an ocean coming out of my eyes. After a few moments, I gathered myself together and went back in to be with him for his last moments. I took his hand again. "You're doing good Bob, keep coughing, come on bud." We kept encouraging him, pounding his back, wiping a cool washcloth all over his face to cool him down. His shirt was drenched, and he looked like he was gone. It took three of us to get him safely into his bed, propped up so he could breath as much as he could. We still weren't sure if he would make it. We got him as comfortable as possible and my supervisor left to take care of some things.

We decided to continue our work and frequently check on Bob. Each time I checked on him he was breathing, slow and crackly but still breathing. I couldn't wait to finish passing meds so I could just sit by him. I finally did finish, got some chocolate milk and sat next to Bob. I said "Bob, I miss your goofiness." and he struggled to say "My goofiness?" He never seemed to think he was funny, which made it more funny. He'd always say "You think this is funny?" (and maybe sometimes he was a little upset....but the slight grin or expression on his face always made me think he was being humorous). I said, "Remember when I'd say 'Hey Bob!' and you'd always say 'Hey hey!'?" I didn't expect a response but then he said it, "Hey hey!", letting his head fall to the side, looking at me with those gorgeous eyes and a slight grin. In that moment, I knew that he remembered who I was, even if he didn't know my name amongst all the care givers that work there, he recognized me in some way, and knew that I truly cared for him.

People always say they could never do my job or they laugh and say "You take care of old people, ugh." To be honest, I never thought it would affect me as much as it has lately. It truly is more than just toileting them, changing their clothes, feeding them, showering them. You have to have the heart for it. You have to actually care for them to be able to give them the care they deserve. Yes, they may be old, have wrinkly skin, gray hair, and be slow to move but their hearts do not change. They are still amazing people that are capable of loving and feeling, even if they cannot show you in words. You can see it in their eyes or their facial expression, or a small touch, or even "Hey hey!" When I reflect on my life right now, I can say that the residents I take care of are the most unique and special friends I will ever have in a lifetime.

Before leaving work, I said "I love you Bob," and kissed his cheek. I never know who will be next to leave this Earth.

Slowing Down and Taking Time

Crap! I'm getting behind again! I gotta pass medications to 10 more residents, gotta vacuum the dining room, gotta get blood pressures, gotta do Evelyn's shower....Ahh I don't feel like walking down that long hallway to get more trash bags. Oh man, I'm not gonna be done by 9 tonight! Ugh, I was really hoping to have time to relax. I don't feel like doing that laundry, my feet hurt, my back hurts, I want to leave, when will it be 11 already?? Guys are so dumb, what am I doing with my life? I wish I had my career already, I can't wait til (fill in the blank)!  How many times is she gonna pull her cord! It's hot in here. I don't feel like charting...........on and on and on

This is a typical thought process that goes on in my head on a day at work. I try and get things done as fast as I can so that I can have time to relax, ideally 2 or 3 hours at the end of my shift, and in the midst of that, my brain jumps from complaint to complaint about stupid things. I get anxiety if things aren't done as fast as they can be done and I recently started thinking: Why does it have to be like that? Well it doesn't. We live in America, such a fast paced society and I find myself getting swept up in it. I care about my residents, I really do but I'm realizing that maybe I haven't really been taking the time to listen and to talk to them on a deeper level or just not enough. A lot of times it ends up just being as shallow as "Do you need to go to the bathroom?"  "Do you want a shower?" just because I am too tired, exhausted, or self absorbed to make meaningful conversation and ask questions to get to know them more. Lately, I have noticed that I need to slow down, take my time, listen, and be grateful for what I have and for life. The following are a few moments I encountered with my residents while at my job that challenged me and how I've been living, thinking, and working.

Every once in a while, a resident will tell me how they appreciate me and what a good job I'm doing, and when they say that, I honestly feel guilty and like I don't deserve that because of how impatient and rushed I get. But despite that, it has made me realize that maybe I need to step it up and be what they see me to be. Tonight I was talking to a resident who is very slow at walking and some days can't walk because of how much pain she has in her knees. I told her she's been doing very well and she said "I wouldn't be doing this good if it weren't for you guys," and that made me sad and happy at the same time. It made me feel bad for all the times I got impatient, selfish, and frustrated with her but it made me happy because I know I can be better at what I do, and go above and beyond because she deserves that. I should be thankful that I can walk and not have to worry about the unbearable pain in my knees every time I take a step.

I remember another time I was talking to a resident as I was getting her medications ready and I was having kind of a "down" kind of a day and I said "Oh (her name), what am I gonna do about my life?" and she responded "You aren't stuck in this room, in this building like I am. What do you mean?' and it got me thinking how true that is. I may be stressing out about my future, relationships or life goals but at least I have that future ahead of me. I have that time for things to happen in my life and ups and downs around every corner and for her, it seems as though the only thing to look forward to is a mealtime, or what activity or craft is planned for the day, or maybe even just a nap. Here I was complaining about my life when at least I am free to do what I want and go where I want. She has dementia and is "trapped" at what is just my workplace.

Tonight I was talking to a man and I asked him how he was doing and about if he still wishes he was living in his house and he said he did and that here it's just the same routine every day. He told me about how he'd do housework at his home and had a garden but that he started to have dizzy spells and that's why he had to go to assisted living. That made me sad that he is such a sweet, kind man who doesn't even have dementia but has to also be stuck, I don't mean to make assisted living facilities sound like bad places but anyone can agree that getting old is probably not going to seem so hopeful or exciting. It did bring me to see that I can choose to waste time complaining about little things and wishing time would pass by or I can find good in everything including the times that aren't exactly "exciting" or "fun" in life, even if it's just a sense of contentment or joy for being alive.

We found out that one of my favorite residents has cancer. It is hard to see her so depressed each day, and all she wants to do is sleep. I've been struggling with what I can say to comfort her but there isn't any magical words to say to make it better, so I've just been going into her room at night with popcorn to sit with her and watch t.v. When I do this, I can't help but be thankful that I'm still young and have a life ahead of me. I can sit and whine about if I will ever get married or if I will ever have a loving, dedicated, respectful husband and if I will be successful, and be a good mom. I can continue worrying about the future but when I sit with her at night, I think to myself that one day I will be 25, 30, 40, and eventually her age and will look back and miss when I was 21 working at this job. It got me thinking that if I continue acting the way I have been, I might look back and see how I missed out on getting to know wonderful people and using them as tools to help me become a stronger, independent, wise woman.  She has nothing but a disease to look forward to but I have everything to look forward to, so for her I should embrace that and be grateful.

You can see that each of these encounters all boil down to the same thing, being thankful and realizing I have so much ahead of me. Working here has brought out the flaws in myself, made me see how selfish and self-absorbed I can really be. It has made me see that I don't have it so bad. Despite the troubles I have (and will continue to have), I am young, I can walk, I have my mind, and physical abilities. I see how lucky I am to have a job where I can learn so much from the people I care for. They have lived a full life and gone through everything so they deserve the best, and to be treated with respect and have the best care possible. They deserve for us to look to them as examples and to ask them for advice and about their life, families, and places in the world.

So the last few days, I have started doing my routine differently. Instead of popping out pills in an hour and a half and flying from room to room, struggling to bust things out before 9 pm, I have taken my time with each person, making sure they are washed up well before bed, how I'd want to be taken care of and actually  making meaningful conversation during the process. Sure, it takes longer to get tasks done, but technically I am at work, I should be working the whole time anyway. I am just lucky to have a job that is a little more laid back and allows a choice to relax occasionally. I have received hugs and "I love you's" from a resident whom I hardly got along with before, I have learned more about a lady and her family, and listened to the way she talked about her husband and each of her many children, and realized that real love does exist out there. Most of all, I have received precious advice and compliments from these special people that I can only believe to be true because they have been through an entire life.

My Dreams

I had a dream two nights ago. I was in my apartment and it was kind of dark and gloomy. I don't know what I was doing but I think I was laying down somewhere. Unexpectedly a flood came rushing in. I was unaware of what was going on and how this flood started but suddenly I saw a little black cat floating by. I picked him up and he was all floppy and I thought he was dead but somehow he came back to life and I just held him. Then I remember I happened to be carrying 2 more cats that looked just like the first one. The water was pretty high, maybe like a couple feet deep and I was tromping through it holding these little cats with their feet dangling from side to side. Finally we got to safety and I remember thinking I gotta get their temperatures and wrap them up in blankets and keep them warm! Then my dream ended. I woke up thinking Aww I just saved 3 cats! I felt very accomplished and satisfied.

Last night I had a dream that I went to visit my parents and my sister and found that they had a pet hamster! They had him in a cage outside and he was huge! As I was looking at him, I found that he had a boil on the side of his body that looked kind of like this, but it wasn't on his face.

I went to my family and was like "Hey guys, your hamster has an infection on the side of his body! If you don't take him to the vet, it's gonna get worse and he's gonna die." I was honestly concerned for this little guy! I even asked them if they have insurance for veterinary expenses. And now that I think about that, is that real? It should be! So anyways, they said "Okay we'll see." My dream was then kind of a blur and I think it jumped to me being at the library or my job but then I went to visit my family again and to check on this hamster. The boil had spread across the one entire side of his body! I asked my family again about it and they decided to finally take him to the vet! After that, I barely remember what happened but I think the little guy ended up being okay. I was sooo relieved! 

After having these two dreams in a row, the thought crossed my mind that maybe these are confirmations from God that I am meant to go into the field of animals! In my dreams, I felt very satisfied and glad that I could help these animals.

Just an inspiring moment worth sharing!

This is a Cityscape oil painting of Paris done by R. Davey. I saw this hanging in one of my resident's bedrooms and I found it so fascinating. You probably cannot see it very well just on here but if you saw it in person, you would see what I mean. From a distance, you can tell what the objects are. You can see people, even the details of their clothing. You can see a tree, buildings, the details in the ground. But when you look at it very closely, it is all just a mixture of colors and blobs of paint. I stood there trying to figure out how the artist did it and just marveling over how talented he was. My first thought was "I need to try this!" It inspired me so much because as a kid, I used to draw all the time and was so into art, but I kind of lost it in the busyness of growing up and day to day routines. Just having this moment made me remember that I can be that talented if  I take the time at it! I guess this was kind of a light bulb moment for me.

Another thing I thought of while looking at this was the meaning. I thought of it as from a distance, from far away, we are all just people, human beings. We all generally look the same, but when you look closer and get to know someone, looking deeper, each individual is made up of many different "colors", talents, characteristics- which is what makes each person unique.

I tend to become inspired while I am at work, and not sure how that happens since I mean, come on, it's work. But somehow, some way it happens. When I'm feeling down or having a bad day, something happens whether it's a conversation with a resident or something like a painting on their wall that touches me deeper than you'd think, and this is just one example. Even though, this may not really affect others, I thought it was worth sharing. I guess it can be a reminder to keep your eyes open to deeper meanings and to possibly incorporate something new or interesting into your own life, or maybe just as simple as appreciating something beautiful.

Thoughts on Relationships

I came across this entry that I had written quite a while ago about my thoughts on relationships and the way things are these days. Although, since then I have learned more and put the puzzle pieces together about why things happen the way they do. But as I was re-reading this, I was reminded that this is truly what I still believe, maybe not necessarily having to be the first love, but whoever a person is with, whether it be the first love, second, third, and so on. I wrote this at a time I was going through a lot so it shows a lot of what was going on in my heart. It makes me wonder if anyone else has ever felt this way. I don't really know what the goal is for this entry but I guess it's to let you in on some of what I think about. So here it is:

How many songs do you hear a day that is about missing a previous loved one? Many, right? What would happen if each person got to be with their very first love for the rest of their life? What if everyone could have the patience, strength, and dedication to wait and be committed to being together? We wonder why casual dating and sex has become so extremely common these days. People are hurt from their “first love” relationship and so they decide “Ah what the heck, I will never find the one so I’m just gonna go ‘have fun’” and end up hurting the next person. All it is is a cycle. You get hurt, you hurt others. You can try not to but it happens. What if we actually forgave our loved one in order to move on together? If anyone is like me, your first love is always in the back of your mind if not in the front of your mind. You spend time wondering what went wrong and how you’d do anything in this world to fix it. You regret ever letting them go and suddenly now you’re willing to do what you should have done the moment of the breakup (or before the breakup). You want to tell that person so many things and just forget about all the wrongs and move on together. Isn't that what love should be? And yet people all make the excuses of “I love him but I just can’t be with him because we fight too much.” or “I love her but I can’t be with her because she gets angry too much.” Well then what is love? I realize that people have different definitions of love, but from my understanding, I always thought love was supposed to be unconditional. 

I was talking to one of my residents at work one day about life and let him in on mine. When I gave him an example from a life situation of mine, he replied with "Wow, things were different back in my day. When you had a girlfriend, you went through with it and got married." If you love someone, you will conquer anything.

It sounds easy to say but if we all struggle letting a person go after we break up with them, doesn't that say something? Everyone says the cliche- “You have to be apart to realize how much you love someone."....but where’s the good in that if it’s always “too late”. It seems as though it’s always too late. “Too late, I've moved on.” “Too late, I’m in love with someone else.” What ever happened to “I love you forever.” “I’ll wait for you forever?” People don’t take the time after a relationship ends to really discover what went wrong or what needs to be changed in order to work it out with that person. They try and “get back” at that person by rushing into a relationship or having sex with multiple people, which just ruins it even more. People give up too easily. I don’t see how it couldn't work out between two lovers if both of them used that time apart to work on themselves and their own hearts in order to prepare for when they get back together. What if people were actually honest? We expect them to be perfect. Why do we expect a loved one to be perfect when we ourselves aren't perfect? We all have made major mistakes and each and every one of us knows what it’s like to have hurt someone, or let someone down so why is it that we cannot forgive the one we love so much when they do it? Why are we so careless with our words? Divorce only exists if you make it an option. 

I am wild at heart!

I like to think I was born in the wrong time. I feel as though I don't belong in today's society. I seem to be against all of the "popular" ways, the process of how relationships develop and work, and how we treat one another and our earth. I don't want to be like everyone else, or be brainwashed into shallow mindsets and ways of living. In saying this, I have recently discovered my true passion(s): animals, being outdoors, the environment, nature, whatever words you want to use. I guess, you could say that I feel more like I belong with animals and nature rather than in society. That is where I find my true self. 

I keep telling myself that one day I will run away to the mountains to rough it, living with animals, escaping from the world of rules, expectations, judgement, selfishness, disrespect, abuse, fill in the blank. I don't mean to sound like I "hate" the world, because I definitely do not. I guess what I'm saying is I hate what we humans have created our world to be, but I love the nature of our earth. I wish so much to change our world, and that starts with myself looking at the positive in life and spending time focused on my passions and things that make me happy, and with that I can contribute to others and the world. 

You will begin to see that I tend to ramble because I get so overwhelmed and excited about all the thoughts and ideas running through my mind about what this blog will be about and where I am going, but let's just let it be what it is. I don't like to set anything in stone, but a general idea of what I hope to gain/give through this blog is knowledge, thoughts, and experiences of my journey of my life right now as I work towards my career goal: becoming a Veterinary Technician (....but it could change depending on what I discover!). At this point in my life, I am not enrolled in classes and I never thought I'd say this, but I miss school! I feel like a bum, and I feel the need to get out there and learn on my own and take opportunities even if they seem far-fetched, and it starts with creating this blog! You can expect to see entries about what I am learning not only about animals but also about life in general or whatever I feel like writing about! Enjoy the ride!