Adversity is like a strong wind. It tears away from us all but the things that cannot be torn, so that we see ourselves as we really are. -Arthur Golden

It's all hitting me just now- 2 and 1/2 years later and over Christmas break of my second year of vet tech school . I must have thrown myself into school. I had been thinking all this time that just because I lost my best friend that I couldn't be the person I was before. That I had to let go of all those dreams, hopes, plans for the future because I made them with her. We did so much together and had so much in common, so many of the same dreams and beliefs and ideas about life. We could almost read each other's minds. When I lost her I kind of just left who I was with her behind me cause it was weird continuing life like that. But now I think I realized that the friendship with her during that time it lasted helped me discover who I am and who I want to be. It helped me discover who I want in a husband (as weird as that sounds, we always said that we wanted to find a man who was like each other). I realize that I want someone who understands me completely and who loves to travel as much as I do. I realize I want someone who is passionate about life and who wants to take every opportunity to live it. I want to be with someone who is spontaneous and who loves to run out to the store in the middle of the night just for a simple craving. I want someone who loves nature and discovering new spaces and places with me. I want someone who will climb mountains and hike through the forest with me. I want someone who will goof off with me and not have a care in the world what other people think. I want someone who understands what it's like to be depressed. I want someone who knows what it's like to worry, about everything. I want someone who knows what I need just when I need it, someone who is there for me to make me laugh when my heart has been broken. Someone who will validate what I'm feeling and accept me just how I am.

Even though this person is no longer in my life, much less my best friend I finally see the purpose for her being in my life. As I was organizing through my things in my apartment (since I finally have time over break!) I came across our pictures we took on our trip out west across the country 2 and 1/2 years ago. As I flipped through them I was overcome with sadness for how different I feel now. In the pictures I'm radiating bright, tan, smiling, happy, standing tall on mountains, arms spread wide, swinging and jumping around. It felt like I was looking at someone else's pictures and thought to myself "Wow she's beautiful. I wish I could be like her. She looks truly happy, confident and just completely carefree." I instantly yearned for that girl back. Between the loss of my friendship with my best friend and heartbreaks from men over the years I've lost who I am. I never really saw myself as someone who would change due to another circumstance or person. I KNEW who I was and I was standing strong to STAY that person. But I guess it's just something that happens over time- and you don't realize it until something triggers.

I don't NEED my old best friend or anyone else for that matter to help me be who I am. I can choose who I want to be and make it happen! It's just always easier with encouragement and to be surrounded by people with similar interests. But I don't need that. I can figure out how to get back what I've lost and that starts with this blog entry. Because now I know what I need to do. I need to stop being negative just because my heart has been broken many times. I need to stop seeing the world as a doomed place that has no chance of changing. I need to remove anything from my life that is bringing me down. I need to start exercising like I used to. I need to dig up the motivation I used to have when I knew how to push myself even when I didn't feel like it. I need to stop complaining that my life isn't how I would choose for it to be. Complaining won't change anything but me doing something about what I don't like will change it! I need to stop stooping to the world's standards, morals, beliefs, and ideas. I don't want to be a follower. I want to be a leader. I want to be who I am whether I have a hundred people beside me or no one beside me. I think that's a true test of character.

"Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experiences of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition inspired and success achieved." Helen Keller 

“Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.”
-Robert Frost

My heart...

8 years ago at 15 years of age this was what I looked for in a boy and thought was all I needed to look for in a man. This is only part of the list that I made at that time but the rest was quite similar-simple qualities. What could any girl of that age expect? We grow up being told that there is that ONE special person out there for us that will fulfill our fairy tale dreams of falling in love and living happily ever after. We think that we can just choose what we want in someone and that somehow it will magically work out. At least at that age I believed that it was as simple as that. Somewhere along the way I learned that it's not.

Here I am almost 24 years old, 4 true heartbreaks later (technically more...). The qualities I crossed out happened somewhere in between the breakups as I realized they were not of importance according to the guys I was falling for. As my heart heals from my most recent breakup I am beginning to see myself and the world in a new light. I always knew you had to "love yourself" and "accept yourself" first before loving or being loved by another person. But the thing is, each relationship I was in, I spent so much time and energy on trying to keep that person in my life and to get them to love me when they didn't. They chose to leave me and I continued to pursue them for fears that I can't explain since I'm still in the process of figuring it out myself.

I never saw myself as a needy person or someone who couldn't live without a guy. I've definitely had my happy, carefree single seasons of pure fun and joy but on the other hand, a pattern came about each time I was with a guy. They became the center. They became my focus. They became that someone that I didn't think I could live without. I held on so tight that I crushed each one of those relationships.

What I'm going through now is so different from anything I've ever experienced. A time of feeling lonely.
a dark place... no friends...
distant from home... far from family.. 
lost... confused... hurting heart...
doubting...loss of faith... unsure of who Janna is. 
all leading to....
DEPRESSION

A time of adversity. I think it's a test of many things. If everything that I love and know is removed from my life, can I still be content and joyful. Can I still be joyful in the unknown. If I were the only living being on Earth could I be happy.

You see, I always thought "Oh yeah of course I have self acceptance. Of course I love myself." I didn't. Every single time something didn't go the way I wanted it to, or every time a relationship failed, I blamed myself. I beat myself up. I told myself negative things. I accused myself. I said things like "If you wouldn't have done that or have reacted that way, he wouldn't have broken up with you." "Dammit why would you get mad about something like that?" (even if it were something that 'anyone' might get upset about) I told myself things like "He hates you. You're not worth it. You mess up all the time. He doesn't want you." I only felt worthy if a man was telling me he loved me. I only felt special if a man was making me feel that way. I only felt like a cool, fun person if a man was telling me I was.

But where did I get the idea to place my worth in a man? I am not defined by whether a man loves me or not. I am not defined by whether someone wants to be in my life or not. I am not defined by what I say or do. I am not defined by what I look like. I am not defined by anything in this physical world. I am not even defined by my likes and dislikes. I am not defined by my career choice. I am not defined by my friends or family. I am not defined by intelligence. I am not defined by my skills or talents.

I'm slowly learning...
I'm slowly learning what it means to be broken. To be human. To be flawed. But I'm also slowly learning that it is possible to still be loved despite these things.

I'm learning to love myself, truly love myself. I'm learning to be my own best friend. To accept myself just as I am despite my up and down emotions, despite my mistakes, my impulsive reactions, my physical flaws, despite my failures, despite my downfalls, my weaknesses. I am learning to date myself.

Because if I want this in a man one day:

Someone who understands me
My emotional roller-coaster
Who I am.
Someone who not only understands it but loves me in spite of it.
Someone who encourages me to better myself.
Someone who will make time for me even it just for a small periods of time here and there.
Someone who will make effort to show me in small ways they care for and love me.
Someone who is adventurous like me
Willing to be spontaneous and try new things.
Someone who is hard working
Self-motivated
Diligent.
Someone who does what they say they will.
Someone who does not take me for granted
But realizes that we are a blessing and a gift to each other.
Someone who is not prideful of himself.
Someone who listens.
Someone who cares for others and would put another life before his own.
Someone who supports my dreams.
Someone who knows he is not perfect and that neither am I.
Someone who knows heartache and that anything in life and relationships take work
But are worth it in the end.
Someone who knows that just because they are at a low point
Or having a 'less than 100% day' that I still love them
That we are in it together
Not to walk away.
Someone who just gives it their best at whatever they do
And realizes the same for me.
Someone who respects me.
Someone who is honest.
Someone who realizes that it's better to communicate than not.
Someone who admits when he's wrong and forgives me when I'm wrong.

....then I first have to give all this to myself. I have to work on being all of these things myself and TO myself.


Only then can I begin to love another and allow them to love me.





11/24/15
I decided that I would like to add to this blog entry as I think of more qualities to look at in a potential husband. I am doing much better than the time I wrote the previous post above. I have made new friends, spent time with old friends and family. I am remembering who I am as a person. I am remembering everything the world has to offer. I am reminded that I am right where I belong. I am reminded of everything I am dreaming of and shooting for. I am reminded of all things I should appreciate now and that I won't have forever. In the meantime of me finding me and instead of dating, I am observing, reading, and taking in ideas of what is important in a husband for when that time comes.

Here's what I've come up with since last time:

Someone who is just simply laid back, doesn't worry about things like I do
Someone who is confident in who he is, what he does, and in us without being boastful
Someone who surprises me
Someone who "lives" life without worrying that people  may think he is weird or silly
Someone who is a leader in life, to those around him, to those younger than him, to his peers, his friends and especially his wife and children

That's it for now...

Things I've Realized About Life....(and possibly to be continued)

1. There is no special "plan" for my life
2. There is no such thing as "The One"
3. I will never reach ultimate happiness where at a certain point in life it is suddenly all happy and full of sunshine all the time
4. A"best friend for forever" may not mean for forever
5. The grass is never greener on the other side
6. Just because a man tells me he loves does not mean he does
7. I am not and will never be good at everything
8. I was better at my other job than the one I have now
9. I cannot expect anything out of any human being or in life
10. I have issues
11. It doesn't matter how great a relationship is with someone, one thing can make the whole thing fall apart
12. I am more moody than the average person
13. Time moves faster the older I get
14. People will talk about me behind my back
15. People will pretend they like me
16. Not everyone likes me
17. No one can predict the future so stop trying to forecast it
18. Sometimes I don't use common sense
19. I need to choose my battles
20. I need to live as if I was the only person on earth
21. Not to ever assume someone doesn't care about me or love me but don't assume they do care about me or love me either
22. Don't have any expectations, things change from day to day, hour to hour, minute to minute
23. I have no control over others' decisions
24. Let go of illusions
25. I will feel like a different person every day
26. Marriage may not mean "til death do us part" (not personal experience, just observation)
27. My beliefs can and will change from one day to the next
28. I will not like everything about a person
29. The more I change the more I stay the same
30. The only thing I can be sure of in life is my breath and heart beat and if that fails I will be dead
31. There is nothing "special" about me
32. I will fail over and over and over again, sometimes even at the same thing
33. I will never fulfill my entire bucket list because I am always adding more
34. There will never be enough money
35. My skin will never be cleared of acne and blemishes
36. My teeth will never be as white as I want them to
37. I've lost my desire to get married
38. I will never understand when people speak in terms of what they see in their future...I see many different possibilities
39. I will never feel completely set on any decision I ever make in life
40. I am a grain of sand compared to the span of life on earth