Crap! I'm getting behind again! I gotta pass medications to 10 more residents, gotta vacuum the dining room, gotta get blood pressures, gotta do Evelyn's shower....Ahh I don't feel like walking down that long hallway to get more trash bags. Oh man, I'm not gonna be done by 9 tonight! Ugh, I was really hoping to have time to relax. I don't feel like doing that laundry, my feet hurt, my back hurts, I want to leave, when will it be 11 already?? Guys are so dumb, what am I doing with my life? I wish I had my career already, I can't wait til (fill in the blank)! How many times is she gonna pull her cord! It's hot in here. I don't feel like charting...........on and on and on
This is a typical thought process that goes on in my head on a day at work. I try and get things done as fast as I can so that I can have time to relax, ideally 2 or 3 hours at the end of my shift, and in the midst of that, my brain jumps from complaint to complaint about stupid things. I get anxiety if things aren't done as fast as they can be done and I recently started thinking: Why does it have to be like that? Well it doesn't. We live in America, such a fast paced society and I find myself getting swept up in it. I care about my residents, I really do but I'm realizing that maybe I haven't really been taking the time to listen and to talk to them on a deeper level or just not enough. A lot of times it ends up just being as shallow as "Do you need to go to the bathroom?" "Do you want a shower?" just because I am too tired, exhausted, or self absorbed to make meaningful conversation and ask questions to get to know them more. Lately, I have noticed that I need to slow down, take my time, listen, and be grateful for what I have and for life. The following are a few moments I encountered with my residents while at my job that challenged me and how I've been living, thinking, and working.
Every once in a while, a resident will tell me how they appreciate me and what a good job I'm doing, and when they say that, I honestly feel guilty and like I don't deserve that because of how impatient and rushed I get. But despite that, it has made me realize that maybe I need to step it up and be what they see me to be. Tonight I was talking to a resident who is very slow at walking and some days can't walk because of how much pain she has in her knees. I told her she's been doing very well and she said "I wouldn't be doing this good if it weren't for you guys," and that made me sad and happy at the same time. It made me feel bad for all the times I got impatient, selfish, and frustrated with her but it made me happy because I know I can be better at what I do, and go above and beyond because she deserves that. I should be thankful that I can walk and not have to worry about the unbearable pain in my knees every time I take a step.
I remember another time I was talking to a resident as I was getting her medications ready and I was having kind of a "down" kind of a day and I said "Oh (her name), what am I gonna do about my life?" and she responded "You aren't stuck in this room, in this building like I am. What do you mean?' and it got me thinking how true that is. I may be stressing out about my future, relationships or life goals but at least I have that future ahead of me. I have that time for things to happen in my life and ups and downs around every corner and for her, it seems as though the only thing to look forward to is a mealtime, or what activity or craft is planned for the day, or maybe even just a nap. Here I was complaining about my life when at least I am free to do what I want and go where I want. She has dementia and is "trapped" at what is just my workplace.
Tonight I was talking to a man and I asked him how he was doing and about if he still wishes he was living in his house and he said he did and that here it's just the same routine every day. He told me about how he'd do housework at his home and had a garden but that he started to have dizzy spells and that's why he had to go to assisted living. That made me sad that he is such a sweet, kind man who doesn't even have dementia but has to also be stuck, I don't mean to make assisted living facilities sound like bad places but anyone can agree that getting old is probably not going to seem so hopeful or exciting. It did bring me to see that I can choose to waste time complaining about little things and wishing time would pass by or I can find good in everything including the times that aren't exactly "exciting" or "fun" in life, even if it's just a sense of contentment or joy for being alive.
We found out that one of my favorite residents has cancer. It is hard to see her so depressed each day, and all she wants to do is sleep. I've been struggling with what I can say to comfort her but there isn't any magical words to say to make it better, so I've just been going into her room at night with popcorn to sit with her and watch t.v. When I do this, I can't help but be thankful that I'm still young and have a life ahead of me. I can sit and whine about if I will ever get married or if I will ever have a loving, dedicated, respectful husband and if I will be successful, and be a good mom. I can continue worrying about the future but when I sit with her at night, I think to myself that one day I will be 25, 30, 40, and eventually her age and will look back and miss when I was 21 working at this job. It got me thinking that if I continue acting the way I have been, I might look back and see how I missed out on getting to know wonderful people and using them as tools to help me become a stronger, independent, wise woman. She has nothing but a disease to look forward to but I have everything to look forward to, so for her I should embrace that and be grateful.
You can see that each of these encounters all boil down to the same thing, being thankful and realizing I have so much ahead of me. Working here has brought out the flaws in myself, made me see how selfish and self-absorbed I can really be. It has made me see that I don't have it so bad. Despite the troubles I have (and will continue to have), I am young, I can walk, I have my mind, and physical abilities. I see how lucky I am to have a job where I can learn so much from the people I care for. They have lived a full life and gone through everything so they deserve the best, and to be treated with respect and have the best care possible. They deserve for us to look to them as examples and to ask them for advice and about their life, families, and places in the world.
So the last few days, I have started doing my routine differently. Instead of popping out pills in an hour and a half and flying from room to room, struggling to bust things out before 9 pm, I have taken my time with each person, making sure they are washed up well before bed, how I'd want to be taken care of and actually making meaningful conversation during the process. Sure, it takes longer to get tasks done, but technically I am at work, I should be working the whole time anyway. I am just lucky to have a job that is a little more laid back and allows a choice to relax occasionally. I have received hugs and "I love you's" from a resident whom I hardly got along with before, I have learned more about a lady and her family, and listened to the way she talked about her husband and each of her many children, and realized that real love does exist out there. Most of all, I have received precious advice and compliments from these special people that I can only believe to be true because they have been through an entire life.
