It's all hitting me just now- 2 and 1/2 years later and over Christmas break of my second year of vet tech school . I must have thrown myself into school. I had been thinking all this time that just because I lost my best friend that I couldn't be the person I was before. That I had to let go of all those dreams, hopes, plans for the future because I made them with her. We did so much together and had so much in common, so many of the same dreams and beliefs and ideas about life. We could almost read each other's minds. When I lost her I kind of just left who I was with her behind me cause it was weird continuing life like that. But now I think I realized that the friendship with her during that time it lasted helped me discover who I am and who I want to be. It helped me discover who I want in a husband (as weird as that sounds, we always said that we wanted to find a man who was like each other). I realize that I want someone who understands me completely and who loves to travel as much as I do. I realize I want someone who is passionate about life and who wants to take every opportunity to live it. I want to be with someone who is spontaneous and who loves to run out to the store in the middle of the night just for a simple craving. I want someone who loves nature and discovering new spaces and places with me. I want someone who will climb mountains and hike through the forest with me. I want someone who will goof off with me and not have a care in the world what other people think. I want someone who understands what it's like to be depressed. I want someone who knows what it's like to worry, about everything. I want someone who knows what I need just when I need it, someone who is there for me to make me laugh when my heart has been broken. Someone who will validate what I'm feeling and accept me just how I am.
Even though this person is no longer in my life, much less my best friend I finally see the purpose for her being in my life. As I was organizing through my things in my apartment (since I finally have time over break!) I came across our pictures we took on our trip out west across the country 2 and 1/2 years ago. As I flipped through them I was overcome with sadness for how different I feel now. In the pictures I'm radiating bright, tan, smiling, happy, standing tall on mountains, arms spread wide, swinging and jumping around. It felt like I was looking at someone else's pictures and thought to myself "Wow she's beautiful. I wish I could be like her. She looks truly happy, confident and just completely carefree." I instantly yearned for that girl back. Between the loss of my friendship with my best friend and heartbreaks from men over the years I've lost who I am. I never really saw myself as someone who would change due to another circumstance or person. I KNEW who I was and I was standing strong to STAY that person. But I guess it's just something that happens over time- and you don't realize it until something triggers.
I don't NEED my old best friend or anyone else for that matter to help me be who I am. I can choose who I want to be and make it happen! It's just always easier with encouragement and to be surrounded by people with similar interests. But I don't need that. I can figure out how to get back what I've lost and that starts with this blog entry. Because now I know what I need to do. I need to stop being negative just because my heart has been broken many times. I need to stop seeing the world as a doomed place that has no chance of changing. I need to remove anything from my life that is bringing me down. I need to start exercising like I used to. I need to dig up the motivation I used to have when I knew how to push myself even when I didn't feel like it. I need to stop complaining that my life isn't how I would choose for it to be. Complaining won't change anything but me doing something about what I don't like will change it! I need to stop stooping to the world's standards, morals, beliefs, and ideas. I don't want to be a follower. I want to be a leader. I want to be who I am whether I have a hundred people beside me or no one beside me. I think that's a true test of character.
"Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experiences of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition inspired and success achieved." Helen Keller
“Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.”
-Robert Frost
Pictured Rocks
