New Friends and Grass Being Green

For some reason, it is so hard to appreciate something until it's gone or about to be gone. This seems like such a repeated topic yet I can't seem to figure it out. When I first came to Kalamazoo it was okay but I wasn't that impressed. The city and WMU's campus just seemed run down, old and "messy" (literally liter everywhere). I didn't really know anyone and didn't get out much (maybe that was because I didn't have a car yet) but I didn't have anyone more than just acquaintances. I was quiet and kept to myself. It was like I reverted back to pre-school where I was too afraid to open my mouth. The times that parents could come to school, kids actually came up to my mom and asked if I could talk.

Moving here was probably one of the biggest changes in my life and I felt weird! I didn't have my close high school friends nearby whereas when I started out going to Grand Rapids Community College, I was still living at home where I grew up. I felt depressed for about a year just going through the motions each day, not feeling passionate about anything or having any energy. I suppose I should mention that it was more than just the change of environment that contributed to feeling depressed. I had other things happening in my life at that time as well which did not help. However, I don't want to keep talking about my depression 'cause that's not what is important!

So over time, things began to change again, but for the better! I began to feel myself becoming happier, more alive and hopeful that there really was a purpose for my life.( A lot of the change happened after traveling to the Smoky Mountains summer of 2012). I started to see what Kalamazoo has to offer including people AND places! I got to know a couple of coworkers that specifically encouraged me in my walk with God. One of them moved in with me for a while and so I started going to church with her and her boyfriend and even got baptized for the first time as an adult. I started working for the other coworker in her new catering business which was a really fun and exciting experience to serve food at a wedding. I got to know one of my managers and opened up to her about what was going on in my life and she helped me out just by recommending the Cheff Therapeutic Riding Center and Animal Rescue Project for me to volunteer at! I met some friends from working at the bookstore and one of them is influencing me to go to Africa for a wildlife conservation expedition to advance in my experience toward my animal career! I started to realize I really can do anything I want! (I apologize for so many exclamation points, but that's exactly how I feel). I decided to volunteer at Pet Vet and Binder Park Zoo and now currently looking at options for a job with animals.

Not only has everything fallen into place for my career/education goals, but I've also made so many new friends (haha, how ironic since my workplace is named New Friends) and found more hobbies and talents. I have friends that I actually hang out with outside of work which is great! It's hard to find people that you connect with well enough to spend time with more than obligated. And with that, I am seeing how many cool places Kalamazoo has even if the city doesn't exactly look "pretty". In fact, the other day, my friend and I were talking about liking Kalamazoo and he referred to it as being a little train town. It made me think that yeah, not every city needs to have a bridge and water and lots of tall, fancy, buildings. Each city has it's uniqueness and my own happiness and positive aura helped me see the good out of living in Kalamazoo. I may be sounding too profound, dramatic, and philosophical but I really think this so worth rejoicing over! I have become inspired to learn ukulele, guitar, piano, and might take up my flute again. I found that I love to long-board and am slightly good at it! I am so open to try anything new, random, and appealing. One day I could be painting a picture, the next day horseback riding, and the list goes on.

The thing I'm realizing though, is that right when I'm starting to adjust to a change in life, another change happens. I will be heading to Michigan State soon which will be another change. It won't be the same as Kalamazoo and there will be different people but now I know that I can find happiness there too. There are opportunities and people everywhere. The grass isn't greener on the other side. It's green where you water it. I know I will miss New Friends (my work and new friends I've gotten to know) but I'll try not to be sad when I go to MSU because there will be lots to look forward to there as well! The point of this blog is just to get you to think about your life and current circumstances and to take advantage of everything around you! Go find a park, or your own secret nature place. Go find your favorite coffee shop, or bar. Talk to everyone you meet and don't be afraid to be yourself because lots can come out of simply connecting with someone. I honestly thought Western Michigan was a mistake, but it's happening in front of my own eyes that everything really DOES happen for a reason. I feel so blessed and that's all I can say, so for the next few months I will enjoy Kalamazoo to the fullest!

Feelings and Thought Process at 3 am

Do animals feel? Can they have emotions, and feel love, happiness, sadness, heartache. Can they be heartbroken? I wish I was an animal sometimes. I wish I could be a wild horse and just run, and that's all I'd do, just run across the open land with nothing to worry about, no care in the world. Emotions can become too much, too much to deal with. The uncertainty of life, the inner struggles that just won't seem to let up. Do animals ever have hopelessness? Or do they just trudge on and just know that things will be okay in the end. When I look at an animal, it seems to me that they are content, but do I think that only because they cannot speak? A dog cries and whimpers but do they actually feel their heart crushing?

I just want to be an animal for one day, where I'd have no obligations, no responsibilities, no "To Do" lists, no job to go to, no chores to do. I wouldn't have to deal with human emotions....I hate human emotions, is there a way to just stop feeling? Life is a cycle of emotions and it gets so tiring. It is exhausting. It gets tiring having to analyze, and make decisions, and whether to take action or not to. It is a struggle to think, to decide if something is worthy of worrying about. It's exhausting to write this, to decide whether I want to let the world into my insane whirlwind of thoughts and feelings or if this is just going to end up being a draft and staying a draft. Why do we live by "rules"? I hate having to set rules and regulations for myself. I guess I don't HAVE to, but it's automatic. Sometimes there is too much in life to keep track of, way too much. I wish I could stop picking at my face and hurting my skin, all because of my anxiousness. I wish I wasn't such a perfectionist and could be OKAY with a mess and not having everything in it's place. I hate being in control of my life. It's too much, way too much.

I am sick of my flaws, sick of my nervous habits, perfectionism, constant worry happening in my head everywhere I go. I'm sick of judging everything I see. I'm sick of worrying what people think. I"m sick of worrying about what I look like. I'm tired of worrying that I won't be successful, or get married. I'm sick of worrying about worrying about worrying about worrying. I am sick of being a human sometimes! Is anybody with me on that?

So here's me letting go of ALL OF THE ABOVE to let God take care of. I am once again reminded that I don't have to be in control. He has a PLAN for me and everything happens for a reason. Maybe God created animals to help guide us, to teach us to sit back and RELAX and be PATIENT and CONTENT and PEACEFUL and TRUSTING and STRONG and STEADY and BOLD and CAREFREE. Tomorrow is always another chance to start fresh and my prayer tonight is that I will feel a difference and be reminded to just "let go" and let God work through me to attain those qualities, qualities of animals.