I have struggled with anxiety for a long time, and it's something that I haven't really opened up about. I casually say "Oh! that's gonna trigger my anxiety!" or "Oh, that bugs me, I'm gonna have OCD!" I have said it lightly to make a joke out of it, but deep down, it has become a serious thing for me. I have not gone to a doctor for it, so I have not been diagnosed but I don't need a doctor to tell me that I have a problem. I know it. And I'm still working on it. When I was younger, it started out where I would have obsessive compulsive behaviors, like straightening my chair during dinner, or not wanting to lean back against anything for the fear of my clothes getting "dirty", or turning my neck a certain way consistently until I felt satisfied, and probably more behaviors. Thankfully these were just a phase (at least those particular behaviors were a phase), but now that I am older, the release for my anxiety has moved to focusing on my acne, my face, skin, perfecting my body. This is ironic because I remember being younger wondering why girls worried so much about their bodies and having to look perfect, perfect skin, perfect hair, perfect weight. That was the least of my concerns. I remember having that mindset of "A guy should love you for who you are, not for what you look like, why would you worry about your weight?" And now,,...it has reversed. I am 22 years old, still single, still dealing with acne, and picking. And I'm realizing that I focus on my body SO much. I pick every morning, throughout the day at work in the bathroom, when I get home, before I go to bed, trying to get rid of any scabs, any dead skin, imperfections, or pimples. I can't stand the thought of stuff under my skin. It's satisfying to provide a release. It's like a smoking or alcohol addiction but for me it's picking. I don't LIKE it, I don't like damaging my face, I don't like the act of picking, and about 2 months ago, I finally accepted that I have this problem.
Since I have identified it as a problem, and took action to stop I think I am doing a lot better. However, everyday I still pick at least once. It's hard, very hard. At least now I use a good cleanser, some other products, and an extractor if I absolutely have to pop a pimple. But I still fail. I still get anxious and touch my face to scan for bumps, and imperfections to scrape away. I'm realizing I take my anxiety out on my face and it's not right to do that. When I get angry or worried or feel unsettled about something, I immediately go to my face, to a mirror and start destroying my face, which leads to me being anxious even more that I'm gonna get scars and have an ugly face, and not be able to get a man. There's the option of wearing makeup to just cover it all, but I want to be pretty without makeup. I want to be beautiful without it. Makeup is just supposed to accentuate your features, not completely give you a new face. My future boyfriend/husband is going to have to see my face without makeup eventually so I want him to think I'm beautiful without makeup.
So I realized something today, this Christmas day.....plans with family fell through, so instead I've been spending it by myself, and I think God had a reason for it...When I got home from work, I cleaned (another stress reliever- a little bit healthier than picking), cleaned my room, cleaned the kitchen, and cleaned the fish tank (Poor fish were swimming in mucky, dark, dirty water). When I was done with that, I started to look in the mirror and pick at my face, let the squeezing, popping, and digging begin..."Janna stop! stop it stop it stop it!" I knew I should stop and that's when God urged me to take a bath. I know this sounds kind've odd, but for real, I had this feeling I should take a bath and see if that would help me. I put bath salts and soap in the tub, and filled it with hot steamy water. I lit some candles, set up my laptop with Spotify music, and set a book and towel next to the tub. I never have time to do this, nor did I ever have the desire to bathe in a dirty apartment bathtub in a tiny bathroom.
I got in, and I tried to read my book....but um let's just say it's hard to sit up against the back of the tub with a book like they do in the movies. So instead of quickly slapping shampoo and soap on my body, and doing a half shave job like I typically do, I just relaxed and washed myself....slowly...paying attention to my body and my skin, thinking positive thoughts and picturing my skin healing. When I got out, I did my face routine (not the picking, but the treatment and moisturizing!), and took my time applying lotion to my entire body. I looked at myself naked in the mirror for a few minutes. Doing this made me see that God created me this way and loves me the way I am, and that if He loves me this way, then He sure created a man that could love me too. Beauty on the inside is what creates beauty on the outside. I realized I don't need a hott, muscular, tan, perfect looking man. What's way more important to me is that he knows how to be the man God created him to be: Godly, strong, confident, respectful, honest, chivalrous, adventurous, cherishing, forgiving, dedicated, genuine and with those qualities he can be the most attractive man to me. If I'm not perfect, how can I expect to get a perfect man?
Maybe that's why I've struggled so much, because I was looking for a "hott" man and I thought the way I had to get one was to try and be "hott" myself. But that's not what's important! And it makes me sad to think, in a way I was smarter when I was younger, naiive, and confident, and care-free about everything! I just trusted God and didn't care whether I had a guy or not. I suppose it's reasonable for me to feel this way since I am 22 and everyone around me has a boyfriend, or is getting engaged, married, and having kids. But maybe it just means that God is still working on him, like he is me. God wants me to know that I am beautiful without a man, he is showing me that I can be happy alone, and to depend on Him for everything. As long as I am loved by God, I am okay. I have had these moments of clarity, peace, and knowing that I am enough and that I am beautiful, and that there is hope to stop picking, but it still hasn't made me completely stop. But maybe the more I get into the habit of say, taking a bath, focusing on the rest of my body, reflecting on my inner beauty, and God's love for me then those moments will eventually outweigh the moments (hours) of standing in front of mirror, and lead me to stop!
I wanted to share this with everyone in case there are other people in the same or similar position as me, struggling with anxiety, or any other addictions or problems. I know what it's like, and there IS hope. And just as I explained, I am still learning. I'm learning how to deal with it. Even when you say you're going to stop, it will happen again and again and you will fail over and over. The key is to decrease, and to use certain strategies (like taking a bath) to redirect your focus. I think focus is the key. Do not beat yourself up if you end up picking after you told yourself you wouldn't. It's normal for it to be hard. It's hard to break habits, addictions, and ways of thinking! It takes time, but as long as you KNOW you want to stop, and you are taking appropriate steps, then just let it happen however long it takes. Remember, you are beautiful and perfect the way you are just because God created you!
