My heart...

8 years ago at 15 years of age this was what I looked for in a boy and thought was all I needed to look for in a man. This is only part of the list that I made at that time but the rest was quite similar-simple qualities. What could any girl of that age expect? We grow up being told that there is that ONE special person out there for us that will fulfill our fairy tale dreams of falling in love and living happily ever after. We think that we can just choose what we want in someone and that somehow it will magically work out. At least at that age I believed that it was as simple as that. Somewhere along the way I learned that it's not.

Here I am almost 24 years old, 4 true heartbreaks later (technically more...). The qualities I crossed out happened somewhere in between the breakups as I realized they were not of importance according to the guys I was falling for. As my heart heals from my most recent breakup I am beginning to see myself and the world in a new light. I always knew you had to "love yourself" and "accept yourself" first before loving or being loved by another person. But the thing is, each relationship I was in, I spent so much time and energy on trying to keep that person in my life and to get them to love me when they didn't. They chose to leave me and I continued to pursue them for fears that I can't explain since I'm still in the process of figuring it out myself.

I never saw myself as a needy person or someone who couldn't live without a guy. I've definitely had my happy, carefree single seasons of pure fun and joy but on the other hand, a pattern came about each time I was with a guy. They became the center. They became my focus. They became that someone that I didn't think I could live without. I held on so tight that I crushed each one of those relationships.

What I'm going through now is so different from anything I've ever experienced. A time of feeling lonely.
a dark place... no friends...
distant from home... far from family.. 
lost... confused... hurting heart...
doubting...loss of faith... unsure of who Janna is. 
all leading to....
DEPRESSION

A time of adversity. I think it's a test of many things. If everything that I love and know is removed from my life, can I still be content and joyful. Can I still be joyful in the unknown. If I were the only living being on Earth could I be happy.

You see, I always thought "Oh yeah of course I have self acceptance. Of course I love myself." I didn't. Every single time something didn't go the way I wanted it to, or every time a relationship failed, I blamed myself. I beat myself up. I told myself negative things. I accused myself. I said things like "If you wouldn't have done that or have reacted that way, he wouldn't have broken up with you." "Dammit why would you get mad about something like that?" (even if it were something that 'anyone' might get upset about) I told myself things like "He hates you. You're not worth it. You mess up all the time. He doesn't want you." I only felt worthy if a man was telling me he loved me. I only felt special if a man was making me feel that way. I only felt like a cool, fun person if a man was telling me I was.

But where did I get the idea to place my worth in a man? I am not defined by whether a man loves me or not. I am not defined by whether someone wants to be in my life or not. I am not defined by what I say or do. I am not defined by what I look like. I am not defined by anything in this physical world. I am not even defined by my likes and dislikes. I am not defined by my career choice. I am not defined by my friends or family. I am not defined by intelligence. I am not defined by my skills or talents.

I'm slowly learning...
I'm slowly learning what it means to be broken. To be human. To be flawed. But I'm also slowly learning that it is possible to still be loved despite these things.

I'm learning to love myself, truly love myself. I'm learning to be my own best friend. To accept myself just as I am despite my up and down emotions, despite my mistakes, my impulsive reactions, my physical flaws, despite my failures, despite my downfalls, my weaknesses. I am learning to date myself.

Because if I want this in a man one day:

Someone who understands me
My emotional roller-coaster
Who I am.
Someone who not only understands it but loves me in spite of it.
Someone who encourages me to better myself.
Someone who will make time for me even it just for a small periods of time here and there.
Someone who will make effort to show me in small ways they care for and love me.
Someone who is adventurous like me
Willing to be spontaneous and try new things.
Someone who is hard working
Self-motivated
Diligent.
Someone who does what they say they will.
Someone who does not take me for granted
But realizes that we are a blessing and a gift to each other.
Someone who is not prideful of himself.
Someone who listens.
Someone who cares for others and would put another life before his own.
Someone who supports my dreams.
Someone who knows he is not perfect and that neither am I.
Someone who knows heartache and that anything in life and relationships take work
But are worth it in the end.
Someone who knows that just because they are at a low point
Or having a 'less than 100% day' that I still love them
That we are in it together
Not to walk away.
Someone who just gives it their best at whatever they do
And realizes the same for me.
Someone who respects me.
Someone who is honest.
Someone who realizes that it's better to communicate than not.
Someone who admits when he's wrong and forgives me when I'm wrong.

....then I first have to give all this to myself. I have to work on being all of these things myself and TO myself.


Only then can I begin to love another and allow them to love me.





11/24/15
I decided that I would like to add to this blog entry as I think of more qualities to look at in a potential husband. I am doing much better than the time I wrote the previous post above. I have made new friends, spent time with old friends and family. I am remembering who I am as a person. I am remembering everything the world has to offer. I am reminded that I am right where I belong. I am reminded of everything I am dreaming of and shooting for. I am reminded of all things I should appreciate now and that I won't have forever. In the meantime of me finding me and instead of dating, I am observing, reading, and taking in ideas of what is important in a husband for when that time comes.

Here's what I've come up with since last time:

Someone who is just simply laid back, doesn't worry about things like I do
Someone who is confident in who he is, what he does, and in us without being boastful
Someone who surprises me
Someone who "lives" life without worrying that people  may think he is weird or silly
Someone who is a leader in life, to those around him, to those younger than him, to his peers, his friends and especially his wife and children

That's it for now...